2011: A Year in Review

Another year is coming to a close. And to think I started this year in Vegas, in the Palazzo Hotel, face down on a metal toilet with an automatic flush. Really, there are few other places as perfect to be extremely ill as on a metal toilet with auto flush. The metal keeps cool and it just keeps flushing itself. One can nap and vomit without concern! Though, security...those bastards! forced me into a wheelchair, siting some regulation about persons who cannot stand of their own accord and medical assistance, and was wheeled away from my lovely metal toilet with it's automatic flush (don't worry, I totally got those fancy-schmancy Palazzo jerks when I threw-up in their lobby on my way out to the ambulance!) I was taken to the ER where I sang Lady Gaga on my gurney, and was the happiest patient there. I mean, yes, I was hung over for a full week and didn't drink for a full month after, but it was a hell of a way to ring in 2011. 

Soon after I started my first semester at SDSU, a place I am proud to say I have only one more semester at, proving that hard work and determination can pay off, even if it takes a while. I moved to my small and generally quiet studio apartment and have been sailing through the year, turning 25 and recognizing that life is not infinite, as I am not infinite. That each day I grow ever more aged, until the one day that I cease to exist, which according to some could be this year, 12-21-12. 

But with this, where do I go? Where do I place my next step? Do I continue down the path I've sought, or decide that in this one life I must live for myself alone? Do I allow my individualistic societal views to take over, or live as the collectivist I've been? The resolutions have been made, but where do they actually take me? Or, perhaps, my feet will fall exactly where they're meant to and my journey will unfold itself. 

Each year, we ring in the next with frivolity and unhampered celebration. Each year resolutions are made, many of which are abandoned within a week or two. We tell ourselves that this year will be different, that the world is our oyster and the pearl is ours for the taking. But perhaps we are all looking at the new year the wrong way. Perhaps it isn't the resolutions we make to ourselves that matter the most, perhaps it is those we make to our species, to the next generation, to the last generation, to our allies and enemies, to the future of the planet as a whole. Perhaps if we could stop focusing on our own pithy little problems we could realize that it's a new year for us all. And without at least one of those resolutions going to the greater good, we might just be lost forever. 

May the next year bring a change, for the better, for all. 

Marriage & Monogamy: Antiquated Ritual or Divine Union?

First, before I begin on today's verbal ejaculation, I'd like to send out a HUGE THANKS! Little Tough Love has recently hit 1,000 views, from 10 countries! So, to my readers in the US, UK, Russia, Singapore, Germany, India, Denmark, Canada, Netherlands, and Morocco THANK YOU SO MUCH! You are all super awesome!

Now, onto the subject-du-jour! Recently, I've been thinking a lot about marriage, monogamy, social and biological imperatives, et cetera...all this brain storming has led me to some research, which has, in turn, led to more pondering, and back and forth into oblivion. Though I tend to enjoy myself a little oblivion every now and again, this type of thought processes I find tedious, circular, and ultimately frustrating. My problem begins with the social imperative of marriage and monogamy. These have become social norms. Boys and girls grow into men and women, who fall in "love" and marry eventually producing progeny and they all live happily ever after -- or some shit. Now, here comes my issue, I mean, first, I've yet to see that fairy tale except in Disney movies. I mean, I've seen folks who have been married for years, refuse to divorce, but still aren't happy, I've seen people who pretend really well to make it seem as if that fairy tale is true and valid, but just doesn't seem that way. Secondly, the divorce rate (for the first marriage, as we have divorce rates through third marriages [which should be a sign]) is 40%...FORTY FUCKING PERCENT! I mean, holy bejesus. That's an impressive number. So, we have no wonderful marriages to reference and 40% divorce rates throughout this country (and yes, my dear Americans, we do have the highest rate of ANY country! Be proud my country men!), but somehow still feel socially obligated to dance this little dance.

So, if those are the basics facts, lets look at the history, for in history we can find enlightenment, right? Apparently not so much in this case. Turns out, a good portion of marriages originated as a way for men to have guaranteed paternity, so he was willing to pay for a bride (much like one would buy livestock) in exchange for sexual exclusivity. Oh, did I mention the word 'bride' comes from a Germanic root word meaning "to cook, brew, or make a broth"? So, basically, women were bought for their wombs and cooking was merely a perk. Even now, many women give up their own name, their bodies, and, as far as I've seen, often times their sanity for this union, but there are no more dowry's,  long gone (in the US anyway) are the days when marriage was a family affair, when a person married as a way to bond families and raise social status, lost are marriages for business...they have devolved to social norms.

It's weird when someone hits a certain age and is still single...and women are still left with the short stick. In this day and age, is marriage and monogamy necessary? I mean, with technology as it is, I can walk into a clinic and walk out "with-child", no direct contact with a man necessary. I am able to get a job that will pay me well enough, and with all that we know about divorce and how it might effect a child added to the fact that millions of single parents raise their children all by themselves, why are these out-dated rituals still obligatory? A woman can have a child, by herself (and lets face it, men throw semen around like fucking confetti at New Years, all you have to do is tell them you want to have sex, very simple creatures for the most part) raise the child, by herself, and still be functional - the child still raised well. So why? Simply because we're suppose to?

Maybe it's time for a reevaluation, perhaps civilization is ready for a change.

A Little Patriotism

A Post Marine Corps Birthday / Veterans Day Thought

Having been in the Military, having had the opportunity to serve my country, days like November 10th and 11th have a special  meaning for me.

November 10th, 2011 was the 236th birthday of the United States Marine Corps. The Marine Corps has been well known as a branch of the military that separates itself from the rest of the military branches in that they have been known, as Eleanor Roosevelt put it, "The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps." This is how they are known. They are the First to Fight, quotes about their tenacity, arrogance, and ferocity have become part of legend - some of the mythos of what is American. To be a member of these elite men and women takes a minimum of 13 weeks of breaking and rebuilding, of courage and obedience. A history of warriors is handed down during these weeks and at the end of those long weeks the body stands straighter, the mind is sharper, the senses heightened, and the life has joined a life force that includes all that have ever and will ever serve the Corps. 

November 11th is Veteran's Day. This is a day to celebrate every service member who has ever served in any branch of the United States Military.This is the day we Americans use to pay homage to those who have fought and cried, fought and died, fought and survived for this nation. It is often easy to forget that each of them have signed their life over to the United States, to its defense, and for some, have paid that very price. These are the men and women who have allowed this nation to exist and remain free.

I say "they"...detached. It often slips my mind that I am one of them. Though, as only those who have served, but not had the opportunity to fight, would understand, I feel apart from them. That I have not served as they have served. They are the true heroes, I am just one who was once lucky enough to stand beside them. Many do not, cannot understand the guilt of not having had the chance to lay their lives down while their brothers and sisters fight for theirs. I am a Marine, I am a Veteran. But the true heroes are those who have offered more than I was able. Those who have fallen live within me, their sacrifice is visceral and real. I am no hero, but I am honored to be among them.

People often confuse their own views on war with the ability to support those who fight. They confuse the government with those who merely work for it. Service members are not the enemy, and many of them are just doing their jobs. We, as civilians, get caught in the idea of quitting a job when we disagree or when we dislike company policy, service members do not have that liberty. The freedoms many of us take for granted out here are suspended while in service. They enlist out of duty, they fight because it is their job to follow orders regardless of what those orders are.

I have been blessed to be among them, to live among them, and to train with them. To all Veterans, to all Marines, Semper Fi and thank you.

Invisible

For someone of my stature, it's amazing how well I play the wallflower. I can blend in, fade to the back, and become completely unnoticed. It's been a gift since childhood. I have known how to stay out of the way and not call attention to myself. Even now, at 25 ::shudder:: I can walk into a room silently, and sit without anyone noting my presence. 

This has been easy, I'm quite shy naturally, I don't like to call attention to myself generally. Some of you might think, what? E? Shy??? No way! alas, it is true. I've learned to compensate for my strong desire to disappear by being loud, abrasive, outlandish. I learned that quiet was an easy target, caustic was not. But, still, an introvert through and through. 

Only recently have I realized that my invisibility cloak, the one I thought I'd left behind early in grade school, is still very much hung about my shoulders. Friends don't know me, they don't see me for who I am. No one does. I've gotten so good at pretending to be something else that who I am almost doesn't exist. 

I can't be angry, I have created this world in which I am only seen as one thing, and all details contrary to that thing are discarded as irrelevant or out-of-character. But it does make me a little sad. I hope that when I grow up, someone sees me. The real me. Someone knows me for who and what I truly am, and I will no longer be invisible. 

Rumination

I am wrong. Friends, family, and society in general have let me know this in no uncertain terms. My world views are apparently skewed, my lack of need for others to do things for me, to be there for me, is apparently unhealthy. This, I simply don't understand. I understand how our society in America has turned from idealistic-isolationists to idealistic-individualism wherein each person is a unique flower, who is capable of the most amazing and wondrous feats imaginable! This, my few dear readers (who, by the way, I still haven't quite figured out why you're even reading this...) is a rather large, steaming pile of bullshit.

Each one of us is one of almost 7 billion (a number we are expected to reach by this Halloween!) Moreover, you are 1 of 7,000,000,000 people on 1 planet of 50 billion planets (50,000,000,000) in our galaxy, and 1 planet of 100 sextillion (100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 [well, between 21 and 36 zeros depending on what country wrote the information I read...]) theorized planets in the universe...not to cut anyone down or anything - but in the great scheme of things every individual is nothing. We are smaller than grains of sand on a beach. We hardly even exist in the greatness of all things.

But we've been programmed to walk around this planet like we own the damn place. Like this rock, floating precariously in the middle of a chaotic solar system, is our oyster and we are all precious gems gleaming on it's surface. How arrogant are we? I can't, with any integrity, say that other people should sacrifice their time and money for me, because I am a grain of sand.

In my head, the proverbial "I" is irrelevant. I am one of a family, of a city, of a state, of a country of a world. My wants and needs are no more important than the survival of my race (HUMANS) and the care of the only planet we know of that a. we can get to reasonably, and b. can support us, even if just barely. Yes, science has told us there are many other Earth-like planets, but our space-travel isn't exactly awesome yet...so, we're kinda stuck here for now.

Why would I, the .00000000001% matter so goddamn much? I mean, I'm rather fond of myself, but I have my own needs and wants mostly under control. I don't require a village to fawn over me. I don't need my birthday, which 19,178,082 other people probably share to be a day of frivolity or a general celebration of me.

Maybe if each of us started to view their own existence as their own responsibility, and stop with this shitty idea that we are remarkable and precious little humans, and start realizing we are cogs in a massive machine (Earth, Humanity) that's needs are paramount to all of ours.

Come on, America - Come on, World!

"I mean has anybody been watching the debates lately? You've got a governor whose state is on fire denying climate change...You've got audiences cheering at the prospect of somebody dying because they don't have healthcare. And booing a service member in Iraq because they're gay. That's not reflective of who we are..." - President Obama

Living in this country right now makes me a little angry, a little frustrated, a little depressed at the state of our nation. We live on the brink of wonderment. Discoveries and insight are shared daily from researcher to researcher - country to country, equality and justice are being demanded by the voices of the world! Yet, sadly, throughout this country, and in non-industrialized societies throughout the world (which, right there, should tell you we're doing something wrong) deny this insight and disregard these discoveries, they shake their holier-than-thou fists at equality and spit in the face of true justice.

We, the generation on the brink of power, are watching a travesty of humanity. We have the distinct honor of watching amazing change taking place all around us - voices lifted in unison towards a common goal - towards a universal truth, and the true apocalypse (an unveiling of knowledge), and the sad distinction of being the generation to watch all that humans have grown to learn be rejected; denied. As an industrialized country, we are slipping back into the dark ages; denying science, hating those whom are different from ourselves, torturing and killing, allowing madness and chaos to run amuck. 

Here's the thing, the moral of the story: we do have power, our generation has power right now. We are on the verge of a serious election where more crazies are running than not; where the insane baby-boomers are threatening our freedom. From Michelle Bachmann - the end-of-days-anti-gay-religious-nutter is threatening to eliminate the Department of Education and  the Environmental Protection Agency, not to mention take us back a few hundred years by running the country out of her favorite work of fiction: The Bible. Way to be progressive Mrs. Bachmann, I'm sure you're complete submission to your husband won't affect your governing style. All the way to a similar nutter Rick Perry who actually instituted a statewide rain-dance to pray for rain...I'm sure any governmental problems he runs into he can just pray away...or something...

We, as a generation of available voters cannot allow these horrific candidates to take office. We must take a stand for rights, equality, justice, discovery, insight and we must deny those willing to stand against those things. In 2012 we must take a stand.

A Generation of Fail

Generation Me, born anywhere from 1982 until the present, the toxic mold that has taken over the planet. We are known for feeling like we are special and achieving, we are the children of Baby Boomers who pushed for the increase in childhood self-esteem. We were told we could be anything we wanted to be when we grew up, we were encouraged to reach for the stars. Our schools implemented programs that emphasized self-centeredness and narcissism and that felt that creating positive atmospheres for children were more important that correcting mistakes. We are the generation without manners, we don't use phrases like please, thank you, or excuse me. We are demanding and impatient. We have been raised by technology and become abhorrently dependent on it, we lack self-control, we are dishonest, and we lack a full grasp on reality.

Now I use the term "we" very loosely, technically I am a member of this generation, to date it is my greatest shame. I don't really feel like I belong in this generation, at least not wholly. If this is the one time I hope it, I hope that being raised where and how I was saved me from these disgraceful generational traits. But here I am, online, writing in my blog, to bitch about my issues with this generation...so perhaps, in part I must take some of their character traits on myself, but still mainly feel proudly apart from this sad culture of fail. 

My question is: who the hell thought this was a good idea?? I mean did one day in high school some of the Boomers just get together and decided that what went epically wrong with their generation was a lack of imposed (versus earned) self-esteem? They just all decided that raising children who believed that they were so inherently awesome that simply by existing they had succeeded. I mean, where, and on what planet, does that even kind of seem like a good idea? I read somewhere that low self-esteem was your way of knowing you could be doing better, and I can't help but applaud whomever spoke (or wrote) those words. Many that I have met through out my travels through schools, states, and jobs, seem to believe that they do not to work for their fulfillment, they are inherently fulfilled, which, when boiled down, just means they are fucking lazy and arrogant (studies have supported this...).

Now, I grew up in a household where you earned any and all esteem. If you wanted to feel good about yourself you'd better work your ass off and do well. I wasn't told I could be anything, I was told that many of my dreams were unrealistic, and yes, it hurt, but it was the truth and I learned from it. I shudder to think that more children are being brought up with this feel-good-bullshit and thus will only further the ineptness and lackadaisical attitudes of generations to come.

I apologize to any of my 5 readers that are, by birth year, a member of this shitastic generation, but have managed to maintain a work ethic and sense of reality, I know there are some of us out there! We just need to start beating the fail out of the rest of them.

Ah, Academia...

We're back to another warm and welcoming new school year, not that the last one really, ever ended as I was in class all summer...but that's neither here nor there...FALL 2011! My second to last semester as a good ol' average college student. THANK THE TINY TOM CRUISE! 

I realized while sitting in my first class of the semester that I no longer gave even the tiniest fuck about my major anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still find the generality of psychology very interesting, but by it's individual parts, by it's career options, by it's singular sections it is sooo incredibly dry and mundane! 

My problem is that I find humans, on a case by case basis, very interesting. Each human has a learning history, has a story, has different emotional triggers and expressions of those emotions - that is interesting. The individual, the social group, the culture, the work place, the damage is fascinating...but psychology wants to fix it. I just want to talk to people and study them (yes, just like little tiny lab rats!). I don't want to fix people, and that's mainly because I don't think many people want to be fixed - we acclimate to our psychological states, we become comfortable in those states; our adaptations are our shields, and by fixing those psychological defects that have become our defaults, we feel our shields are weakened. 

I find, much like studying history, one can only affect change if they can understand the underlying triggers, the basic building blocks of disruptive, destructive psychology behind the behaviors can we learn how to change them by eliminating them altogether. Learn what creates the destruction and stop that initial trigger. That's the type of psychology I'm interested in, that's what I enjoy. But that field doesn't so much exist. 

So, for now, I will continue on my merry little way towards that silly piece of paper that says I'm worth a decent salaried job, and then, maybe, completely change my path and do something absolutely different.  

I'm coming out...as an Atheist.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

- Epicurus [341–270 B.C.]

This is a long time coming, I've been questioning faith and religion since I was 13, and lost my faith in "God" that same summer (ironically, while attending a Christian summer camp). I generally classify myself as a soft atheist, or agnostic atheist [read: fence-sitter], meaning if I saw proof, I'd be willing to change my mind, but, the proof has to be there, and until that proof is there, I don't know if there is anything up there, and as of yet, only have evidence to the contrary (and a TON of very confusing messages in a very interesting religious text). 

Though this has been a part of my life for over a decade now, I tend to keep it fairly quiet; people tend to try to save, or perhaps worse, argue their case against Atheists. But allow me to say, the Atheists I know are some of the most studious when it comes to religion, they know your religious text better than you probably do, because it's only with intense study can one really decide that these texts are too contradictory, too confusing, and not to mention the whole new testament: written 100+ years after the big JC sacrificed himself [to himself for things he knew we were going to do anyway?]...and they've been heavily edited and translated multiple times (has anyone ever played the game telephone?), not to mention there are books that we'll never see in full, books of that big ol' religious text that have kept hidden in the catacombs of the Vatican - they've chosen the books you get to read. 

But that's not the story here, the story is: I'm comfortable with being an Atheist, I've done my research, and as of now, firmly believe that humans have created God as a means to deal with their own mortality, their own morality, and their uncertainty. And, it's just not for me. I could go on, and there will probably be other Atheist related posts, but for now, this is it. I've come out, a proud Atheist.

F*cking Perfect

"Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become"

- Louis Mandylor.

I can see my future rapidly approaching: it's daunting. Now, the daunting nature of my impending life is not due to the future itself, no, the future is glowing with the warmth and excitement of the unknown, of the unplanned. My fear is deeply rooted in my past and present.

For years I have known that the majority of my decisions are not made for my own benefit. They are made to benefit a number of people in my life. My entire reasoning for life is to appease these people. And everyday I wake up with the firm knowledge that I have failed, and will continue to fail. I will disappoint those people damn-near daily, for the rest of my life. Because that is life. That is my life. 

That can't be my life. Can it? I mean seriously?  

I keep telling myself, I will live my life for me. But every time one of those specific people talk to me, I am suddenly reminded of whom I am actually living for. All I want is to please these people, and I can't. It's impossible. I am constantly striving for perfection: I must be fit, I must be motivated, I must be gregarious, I must be happy, I must be achieved, I must be successful, I must be perfect...I can't help but feel like if I keep striving for that perfection, if I can achieve some version of perfection then no one can ask anything else of me, but I know that's faulty logic. Perfection doesn't exist, and the people I aim to please will never be pleased, and anything achieved will be expected to be surpassed. 

The only thing I can do, is desperately attempt to let go of my need to please, admit defeat, and embrace the inevitable disappointments I will create. Because, at the end of the day, you can either love the imperfect version of me, or constantly be disappointed in the exhausted version of me that's trying to perform the impossible.

What do I want??

Last night someone asked me, "What do you want?". I was INSTANTLY floored! What do I want?? What a novel fucking concept! 

Then it hit me...I very rarely consider what I want, I mean, sometimes it'll occur to me that I want something, but then fifteen people that I care about pop into my head and suddenly my singular want becomes void. Does it matter what I want if it'll make someone disappointed, distrustful, disgusted, sad, hurt, afraid? Can I sit here, and honestly say, that my desires are more important than their happiness? ....Well...sometimes it's a draw, but normally? My desires don't outweigh their personal happiness.

However, sometimes I dream.  It's a magical place, where I can do and say and feel what I want, when I want, how I want. I'm never in fear of someone else's interpretations of my actions, their feelings regarding my choices. I can be whomever I choose to be. It's pure freedom. In the real world however, I've made a list of things I want/don't want. ROLL THAT SWEET BEAN FOOTAGE!

• I don't want to go to grad school
• I want to get married (preferably before I'm sterile, old, or too jaded to give a shit)
• I don't want to pay bills any more
• I want to travel 
• I want security
• I want to own my own house
• I'd really love to hit the lotto
• I don't give a damn about making the "right" decisions, I give a damn about keeping you happy and off my back
• I'd love to have a little herd of hellion children
• My Degree? Couldn't care less about it. It's a means to an end...I'd rather be doing FX makeup.

So, some might ask, why not just do what you want? And, my dear readers, the answer is simple: because I'm not stupid.  No, I don't want to go to grad school, but if I don't go, I lose all security, and a HUGE chunk of (possible) salary, which, in effect makes it so travel is less likely, owning a home is less likely (especially in this lovely and expensive state), affording to have kids etc. I do, what I do for a reason. It keeps things running smoothly...well...mostly. So, unless that lotto win is in my future, I'll keep doing what I do.

But I don't always have to like it!

It's that time again...

RANT TIME!!! Okay, it's been a long time...like almost a friggen month! Ugh, I'm such a slacker. But for your reading pleasure I'm going to discuss (yes, we're going with 'discuss') a few topics that have come up in my life, my state, and my friends lives.

So, the video game law...for those who don't know a law was suggested (then quickly killed by the Supreme Court) that would disallows stores from selling video games rated "Mature" to persons under 18. To me, this seems benign-if they can't get into R movies without mom and dad why can they purchase violent and disturbing video games? But some are getting all sorts of up-in-arms about this. They claim that this law is, in effect, the government telling them how to parent. I can't help but disagree. Your kids can still have the video game, you just have to be in the store with them. The Supreme Court, however, ruled this law "unconstitutional" siting that the law "violates the constitutional guarantee of free expression, which allows young people access to creative works such as books, films and onscreen simulations about even the most extreme brutality" So...boobs bad, rape and murder good? Awesome. Glad we've got that under control.

In other news, and maybe this is all anecdotal...why are men mostly retarded? I mean that in the nicest way, but dear god! Just a couple things you "hangers" might want to keep in mind:

1. You are not always right. (Neither are we)
2. You are not nearly as "unique" and "interesting" as you think you are, it's nothing personal, we love you just the same, but stop telling us how different from other men you are (especially if you can't back it up). 
3. After a while, words mean very little without something to back them up. Yes, it sucks, but if we hear how much you love us followed by a rant or you yelling at us for a few hours...it kind of loses some of its meaning. SHOW US you love us, SHOW US that we mean the world to you. 
4. Don't get jealous over stupid shit. If we've stayed with you this long after all your shit, likelihood is we're going to continue to stick around. 
5. Push us enough, we WILL leave, no matter how much we love you. 

So, bottom line men: Actions speak louder than words and learn when to shut up.

Now that the man's work is out of the way...WOMEN--STOP MAKING THE REST OF YOUR GENDER LOOK LIKE SHIT!!! that is all.

TV and other things that make me shudder, gag, and fill me with sadness. Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, Housewives of wherethefuckever, Jackass, Teen Mom, Toddlers and Tiaras, Dr. 90210, and so on, and so forth...This is what should be commonly known as CRAP TV. No, more than crap, this shit is poison. This makes me sick. Yes, it's damn amusing, but it's beyond horrible for our society to a. be known for that crap, and b. to idolize those who are in those shows. It is wrong that the scum who "work" on Jersey Shore are paid more than our President, it is wrong that housewives need a TV show just because they have money, it is wrong that people get paid to make STUPID decisions like get bit by a snake or have a toy car shoved up their ass, become celebrities for being irresponsible sexually, for whoring out your kids, and to not even be real plastic surgeons (and, btw, they aren't). This is fucking disgusting and we should be ashamed.

So, moral of this story is that we, as humans, need to step the fuck up.

 Read more on the Videogame law here:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/06/28/MN9Q1K37ED.DTL

...it's only the rest of my life....

Okay, I've been slacking, I've been reading and enjoying the lulls of my one six-week class, not over-doing anything, and relaxing. It's been rather blissful compared to the chaos that was spring semester. So, what the heck am I writing about today? Well, to be quite frank (and I'm never frank, sometimes I'm not even "Em") I haven't a clue what I'll write about. 

My next few weeks are going to be a little hectic, between birthdays, retirements, fathers day, a friends wedding, and a trip to Vegas (not to mention bi-weekly physical therapy), I'm on the brink of another rush of acceleration! All the while feeding my anxious cat her kitty-Valium, studying developmental psychopathology which, I assure you, is thoroughly fascinating, and attempting to choose Master's Degree programs (maybe even doctorate programs) to apply to in the fall. Life is...busy...but apparently not busy enough. They, (and isn't it always the proverbial 'they'?) want me to do more. I need to be volunteering, interning, networking, dancing, singing, and parading my awesomeness despite my general lack of interest and exhaustion. Really, I guess the biggest problems I have right now, it the seemingly simple, What the hell do I do with the rest of my life? question. 

Looking a different programs I'm forced to look at how many more years I want to spend in school, not to mention what do I even want to study should I want to continue to educate myself (which I kind of have to, as I chose a stupid major in which a BS will take me all of nowhere...smart move on my part) do I want to go out of my major and study something else that might be slightly more practical? Do I want to stay within my field and go all the way, attempt a PhD? If I stay in my field do I go clinical? Occupational? Something else? If I leave my field...where should I go? Do I want to spend 2, 4, 5, or 7 more years in school and sacrifice the last bits of my youth to the cold walls of University? Where will any of this take me? 

I don't know any of these answers, I'm randomly searching for the rest of my life, and completely lost. No one can tell me the answers, and I don't really have anyone to help, but soon, I will have to come to a conclusion, sooner rather than later. 

So, off I go, to medicate my cat and finish my cocktail. This decision can wait another day.

List

So, I've been reading, ::wait, no? Em, you read?:: yes, it's true. I've been reading a religious book filled with Satanism, cults, human sacrifice, power, previous lives...but more than any of that it has a very strong message about women. Their strength, their courage, their subtle power...it's all quite refreshing to hear. But one passage in particular struck me, it was a simple list about what the main female character wished men knew about women. For my purposes I'll give an abridged version as I find it fairly pertinent.

Maggie O'Connor's [abridged] List from Bless the Child, by Cathy Cash Spellman

*My added thoughts will be added in italics. 

• Women need to be listened to, not just heard
• They crave romance and tenderness like drowning men crave a raft
• They follow their instincts and their hears implicitly and are, therefore, immensely rational
• Then need to have birthdays and anniversaries remembered with the same enthusiasm as fight dates, hockey playoffs, (video game and movie release dates) and the World Series
• The do not get immense joy from cleaning ovens and bathrooms and kitchens
• They cry, not because they're weak, but because they're in touch with their feelings
• Even if they are strong, they like to feel protected and safe
• Periods do not make them crazy, unclean, or prone to attacks by wild animals
• They read Gothic novels because they still dream of someone loving them more than life itself
• The need to be loved, desired, trusted, and respected, not just during courtship, but forever
• Certain things cannot be unsaid to them

Well, that is pretty much it for today, I really enjoyed her list and from what I've heard from friends and family it seems like it is fairly appropriate for most, probably not all, but a good portion of women out there. 

Mawwage!

Maybe it's just that time of year, maybe it's just that I've reached that  age where everyone is beginning to settle down and pop out them babies...or maybe I'm just becoming slightly sensitive to all the talk but Marriage seems to be a very popular subject these days. Whose Wedding is it Anyway?, Bridzilla, A Wedding Story, and the Royal wedding (though behind us almost a month now) still in headlines, weddings seem the "IT"  thing right now. And I've got to be honest with you...the more I think about it, the less sense it makes.

In the good ol' days, and for my purposes lets just say anytime from mans creation/evolution on this planet until the 1950's (ish) traditional marriages had a purpose. Generally, women didn't work and if they did they earned much less than men (and a part of their "job" was child rearing), so, in effect, women needed  a husband to help out the family....not to mention that children were actually just little workers for whatever job mom and dad had. I can pretty much promise you that the majority of families in the sixteenth century did not give a rip what their child's aspirations were. That child was going to do whatever the hell mom and dad did, and that was it. Enter World War II, women went to work, and *gasp* some of them liked it! So, even when the men came home, some of the women didn't rush back to their abandoned kitchens, they stayed at work, they fought like hell to stay at work. And from that day forward, we women, were, in many respects, free of our dependence on men.

Now, by no means am I disrespecting traditional marriage. I have been raised as many other women in my generation; you grow up, go to college, get married, have children and a career, etc. My parents have been married for over thirty years! So, in many ways marriage was something I was expecting, wanting, and to a certain extent needing. But as I've grown, I've realized, in this day and age, the entire theory behind marriage seems antiquated, out dated, and over all, unnecessary. Why do I say this? Well, for now, we'll put aside how ludicrous the entire ceremony is, and just look at the logic of the union. Two people (I don't really care which two) but two people who want to be together, and need a piece of paper for legalities, and have to pay money to do so...maybe it's just me, but, as a a woman, I don't need a man in my life to become a mother. I need sperm, and lets face it boys, you all throw that around willy-nilly! I can go to a clinic or simply to a bar to get that. Moreover, people argue that the couple raises the child, not one more than the other...but lets face it, the woman does the majority of child rearing (generally and traditionally speaking, I'm by no means undermining the stay at home or single fathers). The woman carries the child, births the child, nourishes the child - those things are inherent to women alone - biologically. Plus, in this day and age women make almost as much as men do and thus, can afford to raise the child alone!

So, why anti-marriage? Well, frankly, not many people make it out to be this wonderful thing. Most people seem rather miserable in marriage, even if only quietly. Not to mention that marriage is an industry, and a multi-billion dollar industry at that. The average wedding in America costs over $20,000, the average divorce costs the same, and you have less than a 50/50 chance of making your marriage work. So...you're proposed to, and the proposal is actually a $40,000(+) question: do I roll the dice, gamble a little, spend the money on the chance, and it's not even a good chance, that this will work out? And that's all without looking at the fact that most modern women are on some form of birth control (for whatever reason) which effectively changes who they're attracted to (birth control tricks your body chemistry into believing you're already pregnant, thus effecting who you are attracted to chemically, because if your body chemistry is convinced your pregnant your not going to pick up on the same pheromones), so we're becoming attracted to, effectively, the wrong people to start with. Then, we're risking money, lots and lots of money. The wedding, the alimony, the child support, mutual assets and properties, lawyer fees, the divorce costs...all for a relationship? Whereas, don't get married (instantly save, on average, 20K), have the relationship, if you decide to share assets make written contracts regarding ownership and separation, be cautious about who you breed with, be self sufficient, etc. and the only costs of a break up would be potential child support. It just makes more sense. I don't need the state or the federal government to tell me who I can love or how I can love them. I certainly don't need to spend that money (I mean 20K is a new car, or a down payment on a house!).

So, for now, I don't see the reason, I fail to understand the full purpose. It seems an elaborate celebration of arrogance that isn't worth the risks associated.

The Calm

My posting has become more irregular. A week or more can pass between posts. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. I'm sure I could come up with something. I'm sure people would love reading about my cats new fascination with bubbles, but you know, I just figure I'd spare you the mundane details of my life. 

Truly, my life has calmed immensely. Not to say that school isn't still hectic, and that my mind doesn't whirl around at a million miles an hour thinking about the past, present, and future. I assure you it does. But throughout the craziness that is my life, I've come to a sense of calm, I've realized the mistakes I've made, the fallacies I've believed over the years, the people I've allowed to run my life. I know recognize that this is my life. It is my one life. I don't get a do over, I don't get to try again. And there's a good chance I'll fuck this up all by myself, but I'd rather get to be 75 and say, yes, it was messy, it was rough, often traumatic...but fuck it, it was mine!  then get there and look back sadly at all the chances I never took, all the power I gave to others, and all the boring but probably right decisions that took me down a calm and uninteresting road. For almost 25 years my life has been a giant gaggle-fuck. Why stop now? I like throwing hard-balls and having them thrown at me. Taking a running leap with no idea if I'm going to land or not. 

My mom reminds me that I gave up a good leg to enlist, but she fails to realize I'd do it over again the same way. The use I lost in that leg, I gained in many other facets in my life.  Sometimes you have to remember that even the biggest disasters can be the most welcomed changes, the worst heartache can lead you to understand what truly matters, and without destruction we cannot rebuild. These are the thoughts that keep me calm and maintaining. 


As a side note: I can't say how awesome I think it is that people (not only friends on facebook) from all over the world have read this! I would love comment of insight from other cultures! 

Where did all the real men go?

Last Friday, before this silly little netbook came down with a horrendous virus, I was preparing to write this. Then came virus-gate 2011, and a few hours of geekdom...voila! The problem was fixed, but my energy to write was gone. Today, however, I feel that spark again, so, I'll continue. 

On April 22, 2011, my school's paper had an interesting article; Put down the tweezers boys, it's time to become men.  I read it and laughed because it was so true.  Written by a man, the article looks at how so many men have become effeminate, delicate, pretty. This is especially sad for girls like me who grew up with Clint Eastwood and John Wayne - rugged men who were rough, tough, surly, hairy, manly-men! The only time you'd see them in any state of regard was when a lady was present. Granted, I'm no kind of a lady, but that's another story entirely - we're talking men today (again). 

So, where have all the men gone? My parents seem to think they still exist. (Then again, my parents think some 6'6" sports playing, good christian boy is just waiting for me so he can sweep me off my feet...I keep telling them he's either taken, gay, both, or a moron that I'd have NOTHING IN COMMON WITH, but I digress...) Now-a-days, men spend time waxing their eyebrows, tanning, wearing makeup (yes...men who wear makeup), who manscape, shave their chests, wear clothes worth more than my entire wardrobe combined (and probably tighter too!), who can't take the same shit they kick around, who have become, in truth, these shadows of men with the only thing verifying their masculinity is the lump of flesh between their shaved legs. They lotion up, spend half an hour on their hair, wear jewelery, and skinny jeans, and girls like me are suppose to look to these "men" and swoon(?). I don't think so. 

How about a man, who wears jeans and a tee-shirt, knows not to be an emo-little girl, who doesn't wear jewelry and doesn't take longer than me to get ready? I can be up, showered, and put together - out the door in an hour. I'm talking makeup, hair, clothes, whole 9 yards of readiness in an hour. I know men who take longer than that. Who's jeans and shirts are tighter than mine. Maybe it's just me, but I'm looking for a man, not a drag queen (no offense to the drag queens, I think they're fabulous, I just don't want to date them). I want a man who can get dirty, work hard, and not care if his manicure is going to get messed up. I don't know if they exist anymore, especially not in California. Maybe I'm just too picky. Or, maybe...and this is purely hypothetical...maybe men have just softened up a little too much, like ice cream left out of the freezer...for a day. 

So, to all the pantie-waists out there, I'm not sharing my tampons and midol with you, you 13 year old girl. If you go tanning, have more hair products that I do, get mani-pedis, and wear tighter clothes than I do...could you guys get a commune in Arizona or something? If I was attracted to women I'd date them. Man up. 


Here's the link to the article that inspired this rant, and might just back me up:
 http://www.thedailyaztec.com/2011/04/put-down-the-tweezers-boys-it%E2%80%99s-time-to-become-men/
 

Seals, Sea Slugs, and Jelly's

I am exhausted. Fatigue has swept over every inch of my body. Pain radiates out of every joint and muscle. I don't remember being hit by a truck, because I wasn't. Scuba is to blame. 

I shouldn't complain. Though the seas were a bit rough, my motion sickness medication worked like a charm and the visibility was amazing. The dolphins didn't come out and play, but they were heard from afar chirping at one another and the sea lions were more the willing to come down and investigate us divers (though, in my mind, I could only imagine they were discussing how silly the little humans were, communicating with hand signals while wearing bulky gear in what is most definitely not our primary environment) .  There were "hairy" sea slugs, other sea slugs (I'm talking like 8 inches long), sea grasses, kelp bushes, fish in every color dancing around me as I slowly pulled myself through the water. At one point a harbor seal came down to check on us, the seal however, did not want to play; only keep a watchful eye on the odd humans in his/her environment. We even came across a sheepshead crab (ugly sons-a-bitches), who, without their 18 inch legs are about the size of bowling balls...and this one was in a feisty move and reared up (when slightly provoked by a fin...) snapping his claws at us. In another location there were brittle stars as far as you could see covering the bottom of the sea as well as the occasional foot in diameter star fish (that I'm sure have a technical name...but it's not coming to me...so just go with sea star...). 

However, even with all of that wonder, the fish, the mammals, the crazy urchins (part of which is still stuck in my palm...), and the myriad of other things that littered the sea yesterday, none were as cool as the jellyfish bloom. I was simply swimming along, telling myself to inhale...2...3...4...and exhale...2...3...4...slow down....be calm... when all of a sudden I notice the smallest, most delicate of creatures floating in front of me. No more than an inch long with it tentacles and maybe a centimeter across at it's "head", was this tiny jellyfish ebbing in the water. As I noticed it, I noticed that I was in the middle of hundreds of them (maybe thousands?), these tiny complex creatures, dancing around me like flowers on a breeze. It's tentacles couldn't have been much thicker than a strand of hair and pure white--softly floating, gently and slowly pulsating it's threads to bring itself food...but in that moment, I was amidst a bloom of the more delicate flowers I'd ever seen and those tiny little creatures made the dive.

Just a Bad Date

One bad date. I know, I really ought not complain. I mean...it was a really horrible attempt at a first date...but in a sense, it's not just this one date - it's the fact that this date, this one guy (shudder) represents a very large portion of my options. And it's just a little more than concerning. 

Okay, so what made this date so bad? Dude invited me bowling. My cardinal rule for dating is DRIVE YOURSELF, especially for the first few dates. So, I drive the 20 freaking minutes to the bowling alley, and when I get there he tells me, oh, sorry, they are having a league night. No open bowling until 9:30.  It was 6:30. Great. Instantly I know this guy: doesn't give a shit, didn't plan ahead, and doesn't care. That's not even mentioning the initial first impression. 

Though we had scheduled bowling, I had changed my shirt so it was cute, not too revealing, but flattering, thrown a light and semi trendy jacket over that, put on a pair of my nicer jeans, done my makeup and hair and brushed my teeth before leaving the house. It's a first date, I wanted to look nice. He, on the other hand, did not get the same memo. He was wearing a wrinkled tee-shirt, jeans and a hoodie. Although his breath was not rancid, it was more than apparent that he had not brushed his teeth, as there was nothing minty-fresh about it, and not even a small squirt of cologne. This is how he shows up to a first date. (He also failed to pay me even a small and, possibly, insincere compliment about how I looked...nothing!) 

Okay, whatever, he doesn't care how he looks, fine. He suggests we go to the beach front party section of town (another 20 minute drive) and get some dinner instead. Alright, some points gained back, at least the guy can think on his feet.  I follow him to the spot, parking is hellatious because it's Saturday night, but we park our cars and walk the mile to the restaurant, fine. The "restaurant" was a bar that served burgers and beer. It was loud, packed, the food was decent. He starts talking (he really didn't stop the entire time). He tells me his political views, what he thinks about the war (I'm positive I shared that I had been a Marine...) he even tells me that he didn't graduate high school because he was arrested his junior year for selling opiates (pain meds). Wow, way to impress a girl. (I'm also certain I told him, whilst a Marine, I was Military Police).  In short (after 3 paragraphs) we arrived at the restaurant a little after 7, and I was home shortly after 8. Probably the most appalling acting he took, was after the very short "date", I received a text message, wherein he asked for "sexy pics". ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!??! You (him) can't even put yourself together and make a plan for a date, can't even tell me I look nice, but you want friggen "sexy pics"? AWH HELL NO!  --That was my "date". 

So, why is this an omen for all men? Because, lets face it. This guy is a very obvious example of what mankind (specifically my generation) has come to: desires rewards, loathes effort. They do not want to date, they do not want to sacrifice, they do not want to have to change certain behaviors: in fact others should change to suit them better, not the other way around. They want all the rewards life has to offer: the good job, the attractive-obedient-sexually-voracious girl friend, the money, the power--and none of the work to get there. They don't want to study and work their asses off to get the degree to get the crap job that they'll again have to work their asses off at to eventually work their way up to the  good job. They don't want to have to brush their teeth, occasionally work out, and think of another human being in order to have the perfect girl-friend who will actually stay with them for more than a few months. They don't want to. And to a sad extent, they simply wont. 

Though the cynical and jaded part of my soul believes that men like this probably either don't exist, do but are taken, or are gay, I sincerely hope that there are some out there, if not for myself, then for society as a whole. We cannot advance without work, and so many refuse to work.

Dear Mr. President and the Members of Senate, Congress, etc.

To the respective members of my government...I don't mean to throw a temper-tantrum...but I have some questions...

So, we're facing, what seems to be a definite, government shut down that will cut or stop the pay for many Americans...but not for the people in charge of causing the shut down? Memebers of Congress make $174,000 a year (not including per diem and benefits)--that's $14,500 a month.  The President makes (as of 2001--10 years ago!) $400,000 per year (not including per diem and benefits) which equates to over $33,000 per month. The median (*NOTE MEDIAN NOT MEAN! This means that 50% of Americans make less than that per year!) household income for an American family in 2010 was about $46,000...So...wait...I'm confused. The President makes 71.7% of average Joe's annual income in ONE month, and Congress makes 31.5% of Joe's income in one month? It would take Joe almost 4 years (of saving 100% of his income) to make what a Congress-person makes in a year and it would take him almost 9 years to make 1 year of the Presidents' salary...but wait...there are 310 million Americans and only 1 President, only 435 members of Congress...so between the President and Congress 1 year costs: $76,090,000 (that is not including all the facets of government...) 

Now granted, the United States has one of the largest "millionaire" populations (a term, that is now antiquated, as having a mere 1 million in net worth hardly constitutes wealth anymore, and now those with over 10 million are considered to have "high-net-worth") at almost 17% of the population (simply over 1 million dollars of worth), but that leaves 83% who aren't! 14.3% of those (that equals 47.8 million people) live in absolute poverty. Poverty, this year, was defined as persons whose total income is less than or equal to $22,350.  And that's only absolute poverty not threshold poverty. So...if my maths correct...only about 69% of this country have just enough (not too much, not too little) But some of those do, infact live within threshold poverty limits. 

Again, I'm confused. Oprah has a net worth of $3 billion, Steve Jobs has a net worth of $7.8 billion, Bill Gates - $56 billion,...I kind of get that...they are private citizens... But Obama has a net worth of about $5 million, Darrell Issa (R-CA) has an estimated net worth around $451 million, Vern Buchanan (R-FL) - about $366 million, Jane Harmon (D-CA) - over $435 million, John Kerry (D-MA) - almost $295 million...in fact in 2009 the 10 wealthiest members of Congress had a combined net worth of almost $3 billion. So...wait...Joe citizen lives pay check to pay check, has debt in some way, and can't afford to go without his pay, where these Congress-persons very much can afford to go without a pay check...but because they won't do their jobs, your going to not pay the military for doing theirs? Most military members live under the poverty line, support families, and can't simply quit their jobs or stage a sit in...but you want to cut their pay...?

How about, you cut your own pay to help cover the deficit that you're arguing over? How about you not get paid until you've done your job? Because what you're doing to the average citizens is absolute BULLSHIT! You should be ashamed, I know we, the average Joes are of you.

Simply Human

As I sit here, preparing for my next class; symphonic melodies playing in my ears, words of a society separated (in every sense) flash before my eyes as I read for my next exam.  I can't help but feel dichotomous, fragmented, unsure of where to place my next step, my next thought...

It seems a simple debate that has simply been convoluted over the years. Science and common sense--fact and fiction--theory and hypothesis all tearing at each others throats.  There is no conclusion. No simple detail that will solve the query.  

Life is complex in it's simplicity. It is short for it's years. We are small for our mass. Our courage is short lived, our breaths limited, our love is often conditional.  Down to our very brains-we are divided: two halves suspended--connected only by a bundle of nerves. We are fragile creatures. We break, we bleed, we weep, we fight--we grow only to decay. We blame others for our faults and take credit where none is due. We blame our past, our present, our future, our loves, our losses, our families, our classes, our peers for everything going on around us. Like some miraculous storm that expels rain everywhere, except for exactly where you're standing.


Change is possible but improbable because it's unnerving. One must really have a want to change in order to enact it. One must allow themselves to feel the world they live in--the happiness along with the fear--to truly know their world. Each life is a story some written others not--most abridged for the public. Our secrets we will take to the grave, our shames we will hide: our successes we will exaggerate and our happy faces will be present if not for ourselves than for others. 


Welcome to being a human.

Momma said there'd be day's like this...

She didn't, I'm lying. But, coming up with catchy and sometimes witty titles for my blogs is sometimes challenging, so...fuck it. 

So, what's on my mind? Well, frankly, what isn't on my mind? It seems to be running a mile a minute with all the details of what I still need to accomplish in these next 5 weeks: the multitude of exams, assessments, appointments, registrations, decisions...the list goes on and on. It seems the idea of putting things off because the end of the sememster is so far off, is no longer a viable option. Now is the time for action! I'm also attempting to regain some semblance of a social life (or at least some life outside of school and the studying that school provokes), so in those precious few weeks, I have saving, planning, a dive, maybe even a date (please know that just because I've written that does not mean I'll be answering any questions regarding it) to fold into my already jam-packed schedule. But, still...

I can't help but approach things with a sense of detached wonder. Often it seems as if I am not actually living my life, but merely watching it like some poor bastard on candid-camera. Not that this is altogether surprising. I find life is much more digestible when you don't have to think any of it is real. But it seems I'm not the only one. I've talked to many people, seen many-a-documentary, studied some theories--and come to the conclusion that maybe there is something that humans are doing to themselves that is making life more difficult than it needs to be. I mean, if birth control can change who we're attracted to, if there are chemicals in every thing we consume...maybe there is something--something that changes who we are, how we react, how we bond.

Maybe something as simple as our interaction with technology...as these words on the computer screen...is affecting life as we know it. I'd like to simply blame the media...but, maybe...it's just a little of everything.

Getting to know you

How long does it take to get to know someone? A week? A month? A year? How long does it take to memorize things like what their full name is, what day their birthday is, and their favorite food? For some these details come easily, others struggle for years. I've heard men say that they just aren't good at retaining those kind of details, that those details aren't important. But order them the wrong meal, forget their birthday, and call them by the wrong name they'll probably be a little more than cranky with you. 

So, why then, are those details so easy for them to forget? I know men who could tell you the stupidest little details about computer programs, scuba regulations, gun specifications, and their top 10 favorite cheeses, but ask them what their mothers birthday is...the details are gone. I can only extrapolate that it comes down to a matter of interest. I know stupid nuances of makeup because I freaking adore makeup. Men know those nuances about things that women generally think are beyond stupid because men are extremely interested in those things--they want to learn about them, they want to know the annoying little details. Women, birthdays, names, details...those aren't things that interest them. Once they've 'got' the girl, why fill your mind with who she is? You've already obtained her. 

So, my dear few male readers, allow me to throw you a freaking bone here, mmmkay? Not all women want to be showered with affection and gifts, some don't need to be bought. We understand when you fuck something up, hell we expect it, because you're human, but I can promise  you this: The little things you remember and do will add up. Remembering her birthday and doing something for her (even if you hate it) will get you brownie points. Knowing her full name and how to spell it might not get you points, but it's better than the repercussions of not knowing. When she's asking you questions--ASK SOME BACK!! Pretend, though I realize it's hard and you don't actually care, that you want to get to know her, that you care about the small nuances about who she is. And I'm not talking the "how was your day" crap, (though, you should ask that too) and most importantly...dear god please pay attention: LISTEN TO HER WHEN SHE SPEAKS!!!  Sitting there and not paying attention is bad. Even if you don't give a rip (which, if you don't, why are you dating her?) pretend to care, listen to her, and attempt to retain information.

The College Version "Bucket List"

It's amazing how quickly how things change. How a few days of thought can take you from sadness to clarity (granted, we'll see how well it plays out...) But in this new found clarity, along with a few spring break study hours of lecture videos, I have decided on a few things; some changes, some adventures, some personal mottos...so, this is my list, whether or not it falls under the umbrella of "Bucket List" or not, this is what I've come up with. 

1. I'm not going to allow myself to be treated like shit. Not by anyone, not family, not friends: no one. I'm not a horrible person and I need to stand up for myself. 

2. I'm going to like who I am, faults and all, because fuck you for thinking you're better than I am! I'm mostly awesome, and some people (okay, a few people...) actually like me for who I am, scars, sarcasm, cynicism, hostility, and all!


3. Get back into shape (and not the circular one I've grown so comfortable with). As of right now, I have 3 months to lose at least 19lbs. 


4. I'm going to dive a coral reef. We have damning evidence suggesting coral reefs could be extinct in the next 50 years. I want to see these bad boys up close before they're gone. 

5. I want to visit Europe; Paris would be exceptional, but I'd take Spain, Italy, England...I want to see real history, touch it, experience it first hand. 

6. Once a month I'm going to do something that makes me uneasy, because I'm a pantie-waist and I need to get over it! 


7. I'm going to learn to use the word "No" with people. I say "Yes" way too much and to people who don't deserve my kindness. 


8. I'm going to love with all my heart and put myself out there for absolute destruction. I've only got this one life and I'd rather say I gave it my all, than say that I was too scared to do anything. 


9. I'm going to learn to say "Yes" to opportunities. Life has a way of working out. And what's growing old if you have no stories to tell?


10. I'm going to wake up and try to be positive. I'm a brutal realist, but I need to smile more, I need to believe that even if life goes straight down the shitter, I'm going to be okay, time will keep ticking by, and time never stops just to give me time to be cranky. 


11. (Yes, this list is going to eleven. SHUT IT!) I'm going to forgive all those I truly have disowned, disliked, been scorned by, hurt by, etc. I may not want you back in my life, but I wish you well. 


Alright, well that's it for now. I think this is the best time for change, for a new start, to wipe the slate clean and just start all over again (again...). You've only got one life to live, why live it by someone elses rules, by their expectations? At the end of it all, you have to be content with the time you've spent on this third rock.

The things we do for love.

Love is a word we use over and over again: in stories and fairy tales, in myths and legends. In this day and age we throw the word "love" around like it's meaningless, we've all become too jaded to understand the true meaning of the word. It's become diluted by movies that make it out to be easy, tales that make it out to be chivalrous; it is neither. Love is far more complicated and far more unforgiving. I've heard it said that love is never jealous, that it is always kind. I have a hard time believing that too. We spend all this time searching for something that we don't even understand, something that we are even willing to work for anymore, at least not some of us.

Many of the men I know have been scorned too many times fight for love anymore, they've grown to expect the woman to do the fighting, to do the changing...they've come to realize a woman is willing to do this she's probably worth keeping around. The harsh reality learned here is that women too, grow tired. Women have also been scorned by these very men who claim that women are the evil ones, the difficult ones, the emotionally unstable and erratic ones, but perhaps women are not trying to be difficult or evil or erratic. Perhaps, as the stories I've heard, women are fighting a fight that they know they will never win. They are fighting against men who refuse to change but demand change. They're fighting against men who have no problem being brutally honest but cannot hear brutal honesty. Many don't understand that when we stop crying it's not because we're not hurt anymore because we've got nothing left to cry, our tears have run dry, we are spent.

Those that have read this blog before have read that I have just recently gotten out of the seven year relationship, in the period of that relationship I've been told what a horrible person I am, how sarcastic and hostile I am. I've been told I was too fat, when my history didn't line up perfectly, whether my gene should be passed on are not. I've been told the things that I should do, the things that I should not do and every detail in between and yet nothing would satiate the hunger for more. It didn't matter what I did, anything are brought up was held against me, any time I defended myself I was wrong. And at the end of the seven years I can't help but think that the only thing he was really looking for was for me to roll over and completely give up everything I had ever been; become an empty canvas on which he can create whatever and whomever he wanted. I've never heard these stories for men.

I know that my gender is often in the wrong, we are often irrational and emotive beings. But I can't help but think that most of our irrational and emotive deficiencies were wrought from how poorly we've been treated by other men. If I've learned nothing else, I've learned that bitches are created they are not born. Women who treat men poorly, who use men, are created by men. after being treated poorly for so long woman can only assume that in order to stay alive, to stay ahead, to survive in this world, we must be ruthless. We must be willing to fight, to scratch, to hit below the belt if necessary, because if we don't hit first we will be hit, we will be tread upon, and at the end of the day we must survive. 

Though this might seem like I'm blaming men, I assure you I'm not. I believe jerks are created in the exact same way as bitches. It becomes this vicious cycle that none of us can escape. A man is treated poorly by a woman who was treated poorly by a man who was treated poorly by a woman and so on into infinity. All those that were once nice become corrupted. No one can escape. We all become jaded, we all lose hope, we become that which we hate strictly for the sake of surviving. And if we are unwilling to do so, if we are unwilling to become those whom we hate, we are tread upon until our last breath. It's not only nice guys who finish last, it's the last vestiges of kindness in society.

"Exit Through The Gift Shop" Some thoughts...

Last night I sat down to watch "Exit Through the Gift Shop", the documentary about the street art scene etc. After I was done watching it I couldn't help but laugh at the spectacle it was.   

The last half of the movie is about one "artist" in particular, who, aside from never really being a street artist, puts together a huge show and makes millions off of silly little LA art connoisseurs. So silly. This artist, who is loosely connected with the now infamous Banksy, had no experience, was doing the exact same thing that all the other street artists were doing, but some how, with a simple quote from Banksy made himself into this famed artist.  Ironically, the man called himself 'Mister Brainwash', which was oh so appropriate because that's exactly what he did. He used Banksy's namesake and by doing so brainwashed a good portion of the population to believe that what he was doing was new, fresh, controversial, cutting edge...even though he was just pulling this "art" out of his ass, torturing his employees (who, by the way, created most of his, so-called, art to begin with) and because people who want to think they're really into art will buy just about anything you give to them as art, he became an overnight sensation. 

This begs the question, "What is art?" and it cannot be answered. Art is in the eye of the beholder, and much-like beauty, it can be influenced by society and one good name backing you up. Can I get a good name to back me up? Can I become an overnight sensation that everyone will throw their money at? I'd like it? Talent is meaningless in today's society! It's all about how much you had to start out with and who you know. Thus, I will probably never be famous, (which is saddening, but I'll live through it...) This blog will probably never get world wide acclaim (EVEN THOUGH IT SHOULD!) and I will continue to poke holes in the world I see and go nowhere for it. I'd rather do all that then be this brainwashed zombie who sees a name and falls for whatever it is they're selling.

Change

It is time for a change. I have allowed myself to become lackadaisical for too long and activity is needed to enact some real evolution, revolution. I have watched as I have turned into a woman that I am not proud of. I have seen my dignity be pushed to the wayside, my self-respect molt, my dominant personality decay. This is not acceptable. I cannot allow it to continue. For if I allow these changes to become permanent, then I too will be pushed to the wayside, I too will molt and decay. 

Maybe it's too late for these changes (after all, I've been told the world is going to end here pretty soon, I got a pamphlet that said judgment day is on May 21st...) maybe I will be unable to enact these changes...but, regardless of what is to come, all I have is now: this moment, and in this moment, I desperately need a change for the better. This will include working out again (dear god it's needed!), cleaning up my act a little and more than anything finding that girl I lost so long ago. I can't allow myself to continue on the road I'm traveling--for myself and for all those around me. 

So, I begin a journey. Yes, the world might end soon. Yes, I might not succeed. But I have nothing left to do but try. Try to turn the poor decisions of the past into a stepping stone for a better future. For a life I can be proud of. 

Uncertainty

So, I've moved in, this daunting chapter has begun. I've more or less hit a wall. It's that moment when you realize that you're 24, single, no job, no degree...on the fast track to "cat lady", with very little left to hold on to....

That's not even to mention the social pressure. Between the oh-so-subtle hints from home that I ought find myself a man, to the world screaming that people my age are suppose to be in the job market, they're suppose to have their degrees and either be working on post-graduate degrees or actually in the field...and there I am, the struggling student. All of this along with my move...my insecurities are running a little high these days. 

But hey, I suppose I should look on the bright side. That's what folks tell me anyway. So...I'm bigger than a lot of you wee-folk out there (I will step on you!), I'm part zombie...and that's cool(ish)...AND my embittered diatribes seem to amuse some. So...way to go me.

The Short List

Of stupid things that annoy the shit out of me.

Jersey Shore and it's viewership: Oh my HOLY GRILLED CHEESUS! Really?? Okay, I get that, we, as Americans, enjoy watching people who probably ought be studied, but, come on! Really?? I have a hard time blaming the actual people in Jersey Shore (I can only assume that they are mentally deficient, and can't help but be the bottom rung of society), but people watch this crap regularly!! Okay, they're amusing, but go watch a comedy if you want amusement! By watching this gross display of idiocy is actually giving these absolutely (insane, shameful, belligerent, unintelligent) DISGUSTING humans make themselves celebrities! You are making them rich!! They should not be rich. People who (and I'm ashamed for knowing this information, damn you facebook friends!!) think that gym, tan, laundry along with getting so drunk that you get into a brawl is of the utmost importance, and should be sought on a daily basis. I refuse to watch the TV show or pay much attention to what this repugnant group of idiot children are doing. It's my opinion that by watching this shit you are saying "it's okay that you act like this!." What if that was your child, niece, or nephew? Would you still think it's okay?? Jersey Shore is one of the most vile things available to our society.

My Generation as a Whole: Okay, now I fully understand that the vast majority of us (myself not included {thank you mom and dad!})  were sat down in front of TV's and plugged into the torrential outpouring of new technology. Video games (in many forms), TV shows, latchkey children! Our generation was the the generation of babysitters (God help those in the generation behind us, they're the 'Nanny' generation!) of hamburger helper, of take out pizza and McDonald's drive through.  We are the fast paced-self-raised medicated  children. I understand that. But why are we the ones who don't want to grab responsibility ever? Why are we so self involved? Why do we allow our lives to be run by social media, television, long reach dreams, and selfish means? Can't we just, and I'm sorry if this hurts any ones feelings (...no I'm not) get the fuck over it? You had a bad childhood, okay...so did everyone I know...move the fuck on! Oddly the world does not revolve around you. I've said it before, I'll say it again. The singular right you have from birth is death. That's it. Stop expecting this wonderful-rainbow-filled-magical existence. Learn to be a part of society as a whole, because, and listen well there pumpkin, you don't matter. (By the way...pick up a goddamn book and turn off your fucking televisions!)

Last one for today (3 rants is enough...and this next one...whoo!) Commander and Chief, the Honorable Mr. Barrak Obama: Oh, I can feel the rage towards my blog building! I'm going to start by saying I absolutely respect the President, I think running this country is a tough job and I certainly (want it, but) would never get elected. I fully understand he has a very tough job to do, and in no way am I trying to diminish him personally, this is just my perspective of some of what's going on. However, right now, America is in a very interesting position. The government has been staving off a full shut down for weeks now due to budget issues. Our dear President...though I'm sure is working...is also going on ESPN to discuss in NCAA (College Basketball) bracket picks...this after being on Mythbusters, The View, The Today Show, etc....I understand that he is working while doing all of this. But I mean, really??? At least when he was on all these other shows he was discussing issues that are a part of his job. But College Basketball?? Hell, I ought be thrilled, my college's team is playing...I still don't give a fat shit what teams the President has chosen to win. I know, maybe I'm insensitive, I am after all a FDR girl--I'd love if we could get another FDR type in the White House. He didn't go to his own inaugural ball because he saw that his country was in trouble. He felt the need to get to work (he also wasn't much of a dancer. ZING!) Again, maybe I'm just a bit of a hardass, I want shit done, and I want it done a few days ago, but I'm kind of sick of the President being a celebrity or at least trying his hardest to become one. I will go insane if, after his time in office, he get's a day time talk show.

Moral of this blog....DO NOT WATCH JERSEY SHORE, STOP BEING DOUCHE BAGS, and Mr. President GET OFF MY TV!