Enough

Enough is enough is enough. And 7 years is enough. I can see the mistakes I have made clearly, and though I do not, necessarily, regret the decisions I've made, I understand how they were not the brightest decisions of my life. 

I have lived in a "relationship" (I'm using the term as loosely as possible here) where I don't know when we're "on again", but I'll surely know when we're "off again", and none of it is up to me.  Where I can be left, time and time again, and suddenly be "taken" without my consent. I have allowed this to happen. I have allowed this one man to dictate the terms of our friendship, of our relationship in whole. From what we do in our collective free time to what what time we spend together and how. I have never had a say. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being labeled the liar when I have done no such thing. The "difficult" one, when I am overly appeasing. The time has come when I "woman-up" and take charge. With that charge, I will have it no more. 

I would never say I am the be-all-and-end-all of girlfriends. I am no such person. I would never confess that I am the most open and loving of people as I am not that person either. However, I am extraordinarily giving, flexible, and willing to please. Never have I had that returned to me. Never have I not been the one to compromise to his want, need, requirement. Never have I put my needs or wants before his. But still, my life has been dictated, carefully constructed by this man. And I think it's bullshit. I have put myself through things I am, in no way, comfortable with. I have taken time to learn about his hobbies and interests. I have sat through countless movies that I couldn't care less about, and all of these things rest on my shoulders. I can't blame him for taking advantage of the situation. Most have done exactly what he has done. But, I promise this much. It will stop. 

And so the chase begins as does the transformation. I will stop being the one who is easily walked on.  I will stop being the compliant one. I am, for the first time, going to look out for number one and say "FUCK OFF" to all the rest. I'm going to be the person I should have been for quite some time now. And if you don't like it, you are more than welcome to go away.