Invisible

For someone of my stature, it's amazing how well I play the wallflower. I can blend in, fade to the back, and become completely unnoticed. It's been a gift since childhood. I have known how to stay out of the way and not call attention to myself. Even now, at 25 ::shudder:: I can walk into a room silently, and sit without anyone noting my presence. 

This has been easy, I'm quite shy naturally, I don't like to call attention to myself generally. Some of you might think, what? E? Shy??? No way! alas, it is true. I've learned to compensate for my strong desire to disappear by being loud, abrasive, outlandish. I learned that quiet was an easy target, caustic was not. But, still, an introvert through and through. 

Only recently have I realized that my invisibility cloak, the one I thought I'd left behind early in grade school, is still very much hung about my shoulders. Friends don't know me, they don't see me for who I am. No one does. I've gotten so good at pretending to be something else that who I am almost doesn't exist. 

I can't be angry, I have created this world in which I am only seen as one thing, and all details contrary to that thing are discarded as irrelevant or out-of-character. But it does make me a little sad. I hope that when I grow up, someone sees me. The real me. Someone knows me for who and what I truly am, and I will no longer be invisible. 

Rumination

I am wrong. Friends, family, and society in general have let me know this in no uncertain terms. My world views are apparently skewed, my lack of need for others to do things for me, to be there for me, is apparently unhealthy. This, I simply don't understand. I understand how our society in America has turned from idealistic-isolationists to idealistic-individualism wherein each person is a unique flower, who is capable of the most amazing and wondrous feats imaginable! This, my few dear readers (who, by the way, I still haven't quite figured out why you're even reading this...) is a rather large, steaming pile of bullshit.

Each one of us is one of almost 7 billion (a number we are expected to reach by this Halloween!) Moreover, you are 1 of 7,000,000,000 people on 1 planet of 50 billion planets (50,000,000,000) in our galaxy, and 1 planet of 100 sextillion (100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 [well, between 21 and 36 zeros depending on what country wrote the information I read...]) theorized planets in the universe...not to cut anyone down or anything - but in the great scheme of things every individual is nothing. We are smaller than grains of sand on a beach. We hardly even exist in the greatness of all things.

But we've been programmed to walk around this planet like we own the damn place. Like this rock, floating precariously in the middle of a chaotic solar system, is our oyster and we are all precious gems gleaming on it's surface. How arrogant are we? I can't, with any integrity, say that other people should sacrifice their time and money for me, because I am a grain of sand.

In my head, the proverbial "I" is irrelevant. I am one of a family, of a city, of a state, of a country of a world. My wants and needs are no more important than the survival of my race (HUMANS) and the care of the only planet we know of that a. we can get to reasonably, and b. can support us, even if just barely. Yes, science has told us there are many other Earth-like planets, but our space-travel isn't exactly awesome yet...so, we're kinda stuck here for now.

Why would I, the .00000000001% matter so goddamn much? I mean, I'm rather fond of myself, but I have my own needs and wants mostly under control. I don't require a village to fawn over me. I don't need my birthday, which 19,178,082 other people probably share to be a day of frivolity or a general celebration of me.

Maybe if each of us started to view their own existence as their own responsibility, and stop with this shitty idea that we are remarkable and precious little humans, and start realizing we are cogs in a massive machine (Earth, Humanity) that's needs are paramount to all of ours.

Come on, America - Come on, World!

"I mean has anybody been watching the debates lately? You've got a governor whose state is on fire denying climate change...You've got audiences cheering at the prospect of somebody dying because they don't have healthcare. And booing a service member in Iraq because they're gay. That's not reflective of who we are..." - President Obama

Living in this country right now makes me a little angry, a little frustrated, a little depressed at the state of our nation. We live on the brink of wonderment. Discoveries and insight are shared daily from researcher to researcher - country to country, equality and justice are being demanded by the voices of the world! Yet, sadly, throughout this country, and in non-industrialized societies throughout the world (which, right there, should tell you we're doing something wrong) deny this insight and disregard these discoveries, they shake their holier-than-thou fists at equality and spit in the face of true justice.

We, the generation on the brink of power, are watching a travesty of humanity. We have the distinct honor of watching amazing change taking place all around us - voices lifted in unison towards a common goal - towards a universal truth, and the true apocalypse (an unveiling of knowledge), and the sad distinction of being the generation to watch all that humans have grown to learn be rejected; denied. As an industrialized country, we are slipping back into the dark ages; denying science, hating those whom are different from ourselves, torturing and killing, allowing madness and chaos to run amuck. 

Here's the thing, the moral of the story: we do have power, our generation has power right now. We are on the verge of a serious election where more crazies are running than not; where the insane baby-boomers are threatening our freedom. From Michelle Bachmann - the end-of-days-anti-gay-religious-nutter is threatening to eliminate the Department of Education and  the Environmental Protection Agency, not to mention take us back a few hundred years by running the country out of her favorite work of fiction: The Bible. Way to be progressive Mrs. Bachmann, I'm sure you're complete submission to your husband won't affect your governing style. All the way to a similar nutter Rick Perry who actually instituted a statewide rain-dance to pray for rain...I'm sure any governmental problems he runs into he can just pray away...or something...

We, as a generation of available voters cannot allow these horrific candidates to take office. We must take a stand for rights, equality, justice, discovery, insight and we must deny those willing to stand against those things. In 2012 we must take a stand.

A Generation of Fail

Generation Me, born anywhere from 1982 until the present, the toxic mold that has taken over the planet. We are known for feeling like we are special and achieving, we are the children of Baby Boomers who pushed for the increase in childhood self-esteem. We were told we could be anything we wanted to be when we grew up, we were encouraged to reach for the stars. Our schools implemented programs that emphasized self-centeredness and narcissism and that felt that creating positive atmospheres for children were more important that correcting mistakes. We are the generation without manners, we don't use phrases like please, thank you, or excuse me. We are demanding and impatient. We have been raised by technology and become abhorrently dependent on it, we lack self-control, we are dishonest, and we lack a full grasp on reality.

Now I use the term "we" very loosely, technically I am a member of this generation, to date it is my greatest shame. I don't really feel like I belong in this generation, at least not wholly. If this is the one time I hope it, I hope that being raised where and how I was saved me from these disgraceful generational traits. But here I am, online, writing in my blog, to bitch about my issues with this generation...so perhaps, in part I must take some of their character traits on myself, but still mainly feel proudly apart from this sad culture of fail. 

My question is: who the hell thought this was a good idea?? I mean did one day in high school some of the Boomers just get together and decided that what went epically wrong with their generation was a lack of imposed (versus earned) self-esteem? They just all decided that raising children who believed that they were so inherently awesome that simply by existing they had succeeded. I mean, where, and on what planet, does that even kind of seem like a good idea? I read somewhere that low self-esteem was your way of knowing you could be doing better, and I can't help but applaud whomever spoke (or wrote) those words. Many that I have met through out my travels through schools, states, and jobs, seem to believe that they do not to work for their fulfillment, they are inherently fulfilled, which, when boiled down, just means they are fucking lazy and arrogant (studies have supported this...).

Now, I grew up in a household where you earned any and all esteem. If you wanted to feel good about yourself you'd better work your ass off and do well. I wasn't told I could be anything, I was told that many of my dreams were unrealistic, and yes, it hurt, but it was the truth and I learned from it. I shudder to think that more children are being brought up with this feel-good-bullshit and thus will only further the ineptness and lackadaisical attitudes of generations to come.

I apologize to any of my 5 readers that are, by birth year, a member of this shitastic generation, but have managed to maintain a work ethic and sense of reality, I know there are some of us out there! We just need to start beating the fail out of the rest of them.

Ah, Academia...

We're back to another warm and welcoming new school year, not that the last one really, ever ended as I was in class all summer...but that's neither here nor there...FALL 2011! My second to last semester as a good ol' average college student. THANK THE TINY TOM CRUISE! 

I realized while sitting in my first class of the semester that I no longer gave even the tiniest fuck about my major anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still find the generality of psychology very interesting, but by it's individual parts, by it's career options, by it's singular sections it is sooo incredibly dry and mundane! 

My problem is that I find humans, on a case by case basis, very interesting. Each human has a learning history, has a story, has different emotional triggers and expressions of those emotions - that is interesting. The individual, the social group, the culture, the work place, the damage is fascinating...but psychology wants to fix it. I just want to talk to people and study them (yes, just like little tiny lab rats!). I don't want to fix people, and that's mainly because I don't think many people want to be fixed - we acclimate to our psychological states, we become comfortable in those states; our adaptations are our shields, and by fixing those psychological defects that have become our defaults, we feel our shields are weakened. 

I find, much like studying history, one can only affect change if they can understand the underlying triggers, the basic building blocks of disruptive, destructive psychology behind the behaviors can we learn how to change them by eliminating them altogether. Learn what creates the destruction and stop that initial trigger. That's the type of psychology I'm interested in, that's what I enjoy. But that field doesn't so much exist. 

So, for now, I will continue on my merry little way towards that silly piece of paper that says I'm worth a decent salaried job, and then, maybe, completely change my path and do something absolutely different.  

I'm coming out...as an Atheist.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

- Epicurus [341–270 B.C.]

This is a long time coming, I've been questioning faith and religion since I was 13, and lost my faith in "God" that same summer (ironically, while attending a Christian summer camp). I generally classify myself as a soft atheist, or agnostic atheist [read: fence-sitter], meaning if I saw proof, I'd be willing to change my mind, but, the proof has to be there, and until that proof is there, I don't know if there is anything up there, and as of yet, only have evidence to the contrary (and a TON of very confusing messages in a very interesting religious text). 

Though this has been a part of my life for over a decade now, I tend to keep it fairly quiet; people tend to try to save, or perhaps worse, argue their case against Atheists. But allow me to say, the Atheists I know are some of the most studious when it comes to religion, they know your religious text better than you probably do, because it's only with intense study can one really decide that these texts are too contradictory, too confusing, and not to mention the whole new testament: written 100+ years after the big JC sacrificed himself [to himself for things he knew we were going to do anyway?]...and they've been heavily edited and translated multiple times (has anyone ever played the game telephone?), not to mention there are books that we'll never see in full, books of that big ol' religious text that have kept hidden in the catacombs of the Vatican - they've chosen the books you get to read. 

But that's not the story here, the story is: I'm comfortable with being an Atheist, I've done my research, and as of now, firmly believe that humans have created God as a means to deal with their own mortality, their own morality, and their uncertainty. And, it's just not for me. I could go on, and there will probably be other Atheist related posts, but for now, this is it. I've come out, a proud Atheist.

F*cking Perfect

"Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become"

- Louis Mandylor.

I can see my future rapidly approaching: it's daunting. Now, the daunting nature of my impending life is not due to the future itself, no, the future is glowing with the warmth and excitement of the unknown, of the unplanned. My fear is deeply rooted in my past and present.

For years I have known that the majority of my decisions are not made for my own benefit. They are made to benefit a number of people in my life. My entire reasoning for life is to appease these people. And everyday I wake up with the firm knowledge that I have failed, and will continue to fail. I will disappoint those people damn-near daily, for the rest of my life. Because that is life. That is my life. 

That can't be my life. Can it? I mean seriously?  

I keep telling myself, I will live my life for me. But every time one of those specific people talk to me, I am suddenly reminded of whom I am actually living for. All I want is to please these people, and I can't. It's impossible. I am constantly striving for perfection: I must be fit, I must be motivated, I must be gregarious, I must be happy, I must be achieved, I must be successful, I must be perfect...I can't help but feel like if I keep striving for that perfection, if I can achieve some version of perfection then no one can ask anything else of me, but I know that's faulty logic. Perfection doesn't exist, and the people I aim to please will never be pleased, and anything achieved will be expected to be surpassed. 

The only thing I can do, is desperately attempt to let go of my need to please, admit defeat, and embrace the inevitable disappointments I will create. Because, at the end of the day, you can either love the imperfect version of me, or constantly be disappointed in the exhausted version of me that's trying to perform the impossible.