Specify or Shut Up

Another student in one of my classes was discussing what he was giving up for lent. Bread. First, allow me to say, REALLY??  I mean out of all the things that you could give up? Bread?? Huh, interesting choice. But, he looks at me, confused, anxious asking if this item or that will be okay for his consumption, hes obviously in panic mode. I look at him, smile, and calmly say, "define bread". This shouldn't be such a difficult question. I mean, he's the one who decided to give bread up for lent. You'd think he'd be able to quickly define bread. I mean, were we talking wheat, flour, carbohydrates, gluten?? Are we simply discussing loafs of bread?? In my head this was not complicated.His eyes grew wide, the abject fear so apparent on his young face. He does not simply define bread. He avoids and starts listing things he's been avoiding (as if I give enough of a shit that I will deduce for him what he's given up for lent!), he says he hasn't eaten Mexican flat bread (so not loafs of bread...) He's assumed tortilla chips are out, as is pizza (thus far I'm assuming he's actually given up carbohydrates, but he can't decide). He then asks if Panda Express would be okay for lunch. I laugh softly, sadly amused with him, and simply say no. Thus far in the conversation he's said that he's not eating flour products. I inform him that noodles are made of flour, and that the sauce is generally thickened with flour or some similar product (and that's if the "meat" isn't breaded), his face drops again. I am, single-handedly destroying the next 40 days of his life. He's now grasping at straws. Well what about....or....even....??? I simply smile, and tell him he needs to define bread and quietly thank myself for my lack of religious beliefs. 

This seems to be a problem with my generation. The inability to simply specify or define anything. It's not that hard. People will say, "we haven't had that discussion yet, so I can sleep with so-and-so...right?" heaven forbid anyone be responsible for defining your own ethics, morals, code of conduct, or your own thoughts. I am a word sleuth. I will find a way around, a loop hole, some back door that I can get a foot into and work to my advantage. For example, I am not a gossip. I am a psychology major who is incredibly interested in human behavior. Hearing about and discussing other peoples behaviors is a part of that. I can use this wondrous language to my advantage, tweak it, bend it, contort it into a shape that is more effective for my lifestyle. I find that through thorough dedication to defining the world as I see it, my life is explicitly less complicated. Every label, every title, I will carefully redefine for myself. Relationship-it is no longer simply an emotional or other connection with another human...no. See how many loop holes that has? You only use that definition if you more or less don't like the other person but want to have some fun. "Oh, you meant that kind of relationship!!" 

Life is simpler with specificity. So, if you cannot understand how to do this simple task, if you do not comprehend it's usefulness, if you are simply too damn lazy to use it--that's fine. But be careful when talking to me. I'll win. More importantly learn to specify or do me the quick favor of just not talking.

I want to know what love is....

I want you to show me!!! (doo do do laa!!!) Okay, that's mostly a joke. However, that stupid little four letter word that follows us around from an early childhood seems so obscure to me. So, here is a technical response. I'll try to swallow my overly emotive ramblings...

Recently I read an article in Psychology Today, (shout-out! I'm a nerd, get over it.) that spoke a little about this obscure chemical reaction that we seem to live our lives around, for example what we should and should not expect from our so-called significant others; we should not expect our significant others (this one is for the women out there), to do big gestures towards us to gauge their affection towards us, apparently small thoughtful gestures should be held in higher regard as apparently those small gestures mean big things to our penis-laden counterparts. Also, expecting those counterparts to make decisions about the future is asking too much. One of the most interesting articles in this particular magazine, was one titled "The American Nightmare", which illustrated how our expectations in love are unrealistic and leave us ultimately disappointed and miserable overall.

This is something I can't agree with more. (I blame modern socialization...) We live in a society that breeds "me". This contorted social view of "what do I want?" "What will make me happier?" This is a crap ideology. Think back 50-60 years. Life expectancy was about 60...there was no waiting until you're 40 to start having kids, IVF and other infertility solutions did not exist. There was no "I want to be comfortable in my job before I get married" or "I'm going to experiment and change careers as often as I need to to find the perfect job" et cetera, et cetera. Way back in the way back, you got married young, because that's what people did, you got a job and worked your ass off to pay your bills and support your family. There was no idea of "me". 

But what does this have to do with love? What does anything have to do with love?? First and foremost; love is a word. Nothing more. That overwhelming swoon, knot in your stomach, weak knees, out of breath feeling, is a...and please brace yourself, a chemical reaction. That's it. Soul mates are this stupid little social ideation that came to be out of necessity WAY BACK IN THE FUCKING DAY!!!  It was an anthropological advantage. Now? Love is this bullshit idea. Yes, we all fall, we all have had that little rush, but the ideas behind it, are antiquated. Find someone you don't hate, that's generally decent (even good to you) and that you have that ridiculous chemical reaction to (but know, that those chemicals are affected by many things in life, including birth control, color, time, scent...and this is a "fake-it" nation!). Marry that person, work damn hard to make the marriage work. It is not a hobby that you get to quit, it's just another job. Breed carefully and die in the end. 

And they all lived happily ever after, after marriage counseling and Prozac.  

The Day the Earth Shook

We, as silly little humans, like to believe that we run the world. That this planet is just some rock that we have every right to use and abuse for all its worth. Today was another reminder of how helpless we are. 

As the planet shook, we humans were reminded just how small and powerless we are. This is an important note to take. We do not run this planet, we are not in charge. Though we have grown to be amused by our own attempts at control, the fact of the matter is there is something far more powerful at hand here. I'm not talking about God (per-say), I'm talking about the nature of the universe. We are mere spectators, and most things that could wipe us out as a species we have absolutely no control over. We are ants clinging to life. We need to accept that. 

Though I am far from religious, I do believe in the power of thought. In no way are the things I'm saying meant to diminish the devastation experienced in Japan today. I send my thoughts to each and every person who has been effected by this immense travesty. Allow this to be a lesson learned the hardest way possible. We are not more powerful than the planet.

212,284,800 Seconds

212,284,800 seconds, 3,538,080 minutes, 58,968 hours, 351 weeks, 2457 days: 6 years 8 months and 21 days. That's how long I fought. That's how long it lasted.That's roughly 28% of my life. And it was gone in an instant, undone by my own hands. I cannot say that I am tremendously sad: after so long, one becomes more fatigued than sad. I cannot say that I haven't seen this coming for years; I have. But I held out hope. I kept trying, fighting, pushing, pulling, morphing...but it was to no avail. My efforts were futile. But I will not regret anything. I know I did everything in my power to save it. 212,284,800 seconds, 3,538,080 minutes, 58,968 hours, 351 weeks, 2457 days: 6 years 8 months and 21 days.

Reality Schmality

No one really likes reality. It's that cold, hard, concrete floor we have all been forced to lay against. It's the brutal hit to the ego when we realize that all of our childhood dreams of becoming rock stars, super models, millionaires, novelists (whatever floats your boat!), are just that; they are dreams: fantasies that we have let slip to the side over basic needs to survive. We look at our lives and say, yes, I really want to be a rock star, but I really want to eat more and I've grown rather fond of having a roof over my head... it's not a bad decision. It's just how the cards fall. 

People like me, (GO SOLIPSISM!), only vaguely recognize reality in the truest sense of the word, and often this creates arguments. If I don't truly believe in reality how can I not reach for the stars? Does it even matter? My answer is a resounding yes and I'll explain why. Now for those who don't read about obscure belief systems, solipsism is a philosophical belief that only ones mind truly exists and everything outside of that is unjustified (does not to probably does not exist independently). Now, I'm only down with the theory of solipsism and even the belief has varying measures (from extreme to less extreme). For me, nothing can be proven, thus nothing can be dis-proven. My own existence is questionable simply for the fact that no one can empirically prove that I exists here in this form, and I'm not some brain in a jar or computer program. Along the lines of the Inception theory, I believe that what we experience innately becomes our reality. Whether we are dreaming, floating in a jar of formaldehyde, or are merely a collection of bytes and chips programed one way or another, what I feel I experience is my reality and thus I live by it. So why does any of it matter if it might not exist? Because the only "truth" is my experience. Thus whatever that experience may be is in a sense my entire world.

How does this affect you? How does my insanity affect you. Well, to be perfectly honest, it probably wont. For all I know you are just reflections of me...I've created you to read this mundane blog to boost my sad little ego a bit and make me feel like some day I could be a big time blogger, or maybe get published! Or maybe you do all exist, and you read my mental diarrhea and sigh, annoyed with the fact that you read this, unsure as to why you continue to punish yourself by following word after ridiculous word, shaking your head, cursing yourself--but still reading. 

Again I don't know if anyone else exists, it doesn't bother me. I hope you all exist. I hope there is a tangible reality that I can rest my head upon at night, but I'll be okay if I am merely a brain in a jar with electrode stimulators causing me to---

//endofline//

A little insecure...

I am a female (I know, sometimes you can't really tell and some people would argue that they wanted DNA proof, but regardless...) and I am just about six feet tall. I have broad shoulders, muscle mass on my legs, and a wide rib cage. Basically - I'm not petite. At all. In fact the only small thing about me (other than my sense of sympathy, which is shrinking daily) are my tiny little toe nails. That's it. I'm a "big girl", legitimately "big boned" (by the way, fuck off Cartman for ruining that!) and I can probably take or at least put up a damn good fight against most of the men I know. However, and please take note, I am still, in actuality, still a girl! And because I'm kind of the "abnormal" type, I get a lot...no a lot of flack for it. At this point I've been socialized to not embrace my femininity (if I ever had any), I'm suppose to embrace being taller, stronger, louder, etc. But, here's the thing: I don't. 

I don't think about how tall I am, but because most of the people I know are shorter than me (with a national average female 18-30 height of 5'4" this makes perfect sense) , so when we hang out, I am the tallest. Hell, even among the men I know and associate with, I'm one of the tallest (national average male 18-30 height: 5'10"). So, I'm the big one. I'm the tall kid, I get to carry things, play guard dog, reach for things on the top shelf...and it does not help when the men I've dated have requested (sternly) that I not wear high heels or that when people first meet me, they are oh so observant  and state "Damn, you're tall!" or "How tall are you?!" (every time, without fail!).  

Then you have the media, and doesn't everyone just love the media? The media says it's okay to be as tall as I am, if you're Tyra Banks, Heidi Klum, or any other stick thin (in their heyday, anyway) super model. Plus women are suppose to have perfect skin, perfect tits, long thin legs, heaven forbid you have any muscle--because if you do you're instantly a dyke (not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just one of those stupid stereotypes...) Then take porn or any other sexually extreme form of media and now we're all suppose to be these soft, demure, classy women in our daily lives, but perfectly sculpted sluts (and I mean sluts) in bed. We're suppose to take it how ever, when ever, where ever the man wants, while having the flexibility of a gymnast, skills of a porn star, and the self esteem of a 13 year old who is willing to do anything for attention. But, hey, men are allowed to get fat, stop shaving, brushing their teeth, and maintaining themselves altogether, hell they have role models that tell them that's okay.

As a woman of my size, shape, and height I am instantly a lesbian, regardless of who I'm actually attracted to, simply because of what I seem to be, I am instantly one thing. Hell, because of my size, shape, and height coupled with the fact that I am, in fact, straight, I am expected to be much more demure than the average woman, to compensate for my size. I ought be wearing knee length skirts every day (with flats, of course...) smiling quietly. Allow me to dispel this myth; that is not going to happen, ever.  If I can be permitted to steal from my larger sisters: I'm large and in charge!!! 

Okay, well, maybe not. But the point that I am very poorly getting to (and taking my time!) All women, regardless of size, are insecure. This is a fact. Even the ones who are very well adjusted and have things figured out are still going to appreciate the occasional "You look good today." and "I love your body." Because as women, and I mean the vast majority (at least 95%) women, are scared (deep down, and I mean way down) that we aren't pretty enough and thin enough, that we aren't good enough, fun enough, that we're too emotional, or not emotional enough (or not at the right times for either), that we aren't good enough in bed, that we aren't good enough cooks, that we aren't interested in things you  like enough...the list goes on and on. The thing is, and please, read carefully, men are told that it's okay to get fat, to come home from work and lay on the couch, to stop taking care of yourselves, etc. while women are told that a month after pregnancy we need to be stick thin again, that if there's something wrong we can just have it cut away, altered, inflated, pulled taut, colored, lifted, etc. Allow me to call gender biased bullshit. Men tell us that they love us the way we are, then turn around and worship women who have been completely altered, and quietly suggest small things (a nip here, a tuck there...). 


So, allow me to even the playing field. Every time I see a man make a remark about some ridiculous imperfection on a woman, unless that man is Chippendale's-dancer-perfect, I'm going to call him on his shit. 'Okay, you want me to be thinner, you too hon, because that pastey ass beer belly and back hair aren't really doing it for me either!' 'A boob job? Sure, but a. your ass is paying for it, and b. I want your biceps to be 25 inches in circumference first.' Why do only men get to make the demand? I say, women, stand the fuck up and demand a little for yourself. He's a little short down stairs demand he do something about it! Your man getting a little big around the middle, start serving only salad and eliminate all 'fun' food from the house. It's time we stop playing these bullshit games with them. They want to control us by using our insecurities  against us? Bring.It.On.Motherfucker. I'm a mean bitch when I want to be and I will cut you down. 


Just some food for thought for all my ladies out there. To the men who aren't the idiots I speak of, GOOD JOB! Keep it up. A revolution might be just around the corner.

Utopia?

Again, I've woken up in a world that 's turning in a sad direction. Here, in the United States, our government is failing. As a country we've only allotted enough money to last another two weeks. If another bill is not passed, our government will shut down - thousands of government employees will be sent home and life as we know it (especially for the Veteran population...) will end. All social welfare programs will stop having money sent out, Veterans will stop (at least until things are smoothed out) receiving their education and disability benefits. All of these things will stop until the government has figured out what to do. But with all of this bipartisanship, with this democrat versus republican bullshit does anyone in Congress, the Senate, or in the House think about the persons residing within this once powerful nation?

As far as I can see, and though I dread it, (I mean, honestly, at this point in time living in this country is terrifying!)  it would probably be for the best if there was a complete fallout of the government and an overhaul there after. We cannot continue to function as a society the way we have been. Though I truly love this country, I love what it was built on, the ideals that set the foundation for this amazing place...I don't love what it has evolved in to. I don't love the self-absorbed, media addicted, popularity contest that has become this nations peoples. (The President is even in on this, going on day-time talk shows, and other popular TV shows! Just me, or does he have other, more important things to do?)

But, how can we fix it? At this point, everything would need to change. They way we look at ourselves would have to change at a basic level and work its way up, and I sincerely doubt the majority of the population would be willing to sacrifice some of their own material comforts for the good of the nation as a whole. If I were supreme dictator, and I only say dictator because a democracy would never have it, of the "free world" I would amend a few short comings as I see them. First and foremost, anyone in the government would be held to the same standards as the rest of the nation, no longer would senators or congress members or members of the house be allowed to pass laws that they don't have to abide by. Moreover, there would be a limit to the amount of money a person could make. I'm not saying that if you work your ass off and do well you can't have the financial perks that come with that, all I'm saying is that people like Oprah and Steve Jobs (among others) would not be allowed to make soooo much money that they will never, ever, even if they tried, be able to use all of it. You'd be able to make 'X' amount and the rest of your revenue would have to go to charities, back into your company, or into the populace as a whole. No one needs to be so wealthy that they make more money than most small countries have.

Also, I would say there ought to be a 'highly suggested' 2 year (minimum) civil service commitment. This would not have to be the military, necessarily, one could work for the post office, be a contractor, pick up trash, etc. Should one choose not to do this 2 year commitment, that's fine, but that person would not be allowed to vote and would not be eligible for any of the social welfare programs. However, if one does take the two year commitment, one would have some help with school and would become a full fledged citizen and if that person lost their job, they would have help through well put social welfare programs. 

Lastly, in my utopia laws would be a bit stricter. Should you get sent to jail (and I'm not talking about some pithy little charge here, as I would legalize all drugs and crack down on public intoxication instead...) you will not simply live there and get paid to work. If you get sent to jail for some crime (grand theft, assault, etc) you will work off your debt to society, and you will not get paid for it. Your pay is having a roof over your head, food in your belly and medical care (which is more than many citizens have now!) Should you not want to work, you'll be sent to a monitored "tent city" with very few supplies. Should you be convicted of a heinous crime; murder, rape,  assault with the intent to kill and you be convicted under "probability" terms, we will give you ten years for technology to catch up. After that you will be retried and if the conviction remains we will..."take care of you" so to speak. Should you be convicted of said heinous crime without a doubt of your guilt, that "care" will be taken immediately. There will be no more life in prison as it costs too much for someone who, obviously, is not worth it. 

On a note that touches on current news - bullshit like the WBC (West-Borough Baptist Church, for those not up to date) will not be smiled at. Freedom of speech will remain, but funerals will be off limits. Families will have the right to grieve. In fact, we might just remove the WBC in my utopia. Because, I don't really think many people honestly want them around anyway. 

I doubt many people will fervently agree with me. Many will disagree for the simple reason that humans today are lazy. 'Why should I have to work for my rights?', 'I don't want to have to do anything to get something in return!' This way of thinking is what has led us to the bottom, it is not about each of us individually, it is about the country as a whole, the species as a whole. Without a group effort to change things our future will remain bleak. Rights are an illusion. We've made them up to satiate some and control others. They are not universal. The only "right" you have from birth is death. Depressing, I know, but it is the truth. 


Now, though I would love to rant on, I think this session has lasted long enough. Even if you disagree with my "utopia" as a country we must come to terms with the fact that "I" and "me" are irrelevant. We as a united whole could again be great, but only with hard work and sacrifice.