Beauty Changes Lives

There is an entire school dedicated to how "Beauty Changes Lives", they operate a foundation under the same pretense. I am a student at this school, and this is how beauty has changed my life.

You enter the school; pristine, polished, gentle colors splashed on the walls, music serenading you, and yet, you look closer, there is a density in the air. The thickness you sense is the sycophantic air that hovers around the members of staff. I was a member of the massage class, and it is in that very class that beauty touched my life, and changed me.

Massage seems so innocuous. I always tend to think of serene music hanging in the warm air, soft sheets, relaxation, and relief. However, in this massage class, there was no serenity, no relaxation, and certainly no relief. The instructor stands with his hands on his waist, shoulders back, a facade sitting smugly on his face in the form of a disturbed smile from ear to ear, but completely missing his eyes. He speaks with a New York accent, his ego is as apparent as his lack of formal education. His eyes are soulless, dark, and only sparkle when his sadism is on display. He craves control, and more than control, he desires power and status.

One might ask, "How does a massage class change your life?" Well, I assure you, it is not in a positive light. This massage class has confirmed my fears of a profession run by those who lack general intelligence, believe in all the hypno-babble-bullshit that science can directly contradict, and has left me vacillating between wanting to be the one who changes the game, who can massage with a background in science and reality, and one who wants to just avoid the entire profession. This type of beauty has reconfirmed that this kind of beauty is solely superficial and those who choose to focus on that facet of beauty are probably those with the most severe deficit of true, innate beauty.

Trouble in the land of Beauty and Health

So, I might have made an...uneducated...decision. I have enrolled in Beauty School to obtain a license in aesthetics and a certification in massage. Though, I have earned myself a bachelors degree in psychology, in this economy, that means all of jack and shit. With my upcoming nuptials and a craptastic economy, I figured the most responsible thing I could do was give myself something at least semi-marketable (and with the help of my last few months of GI Bill, another few months worth of rent). But, oh-my-holy-bat-mobile-of-doomishness, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. 

Perhaps uneducated is the wrong word to describe this decision. Perhaps I just didn't do my due diligence in researching the programs I was about to enroll in. As a full-time student at this "academy" taking classes in the massage technician program, I am getting my weight in "woo". I pride myself in being logical, rational, academic, intellectual, and truth seeking - these values are not so welcome in this new environment. Though our education is based on anatomy and physiology, the teacher, whom I'm simply going to guess lacks a degree in anything, seems to have a severe problem with proper pronunciation (that's not even to mention his apparent allergy to proper grammar and basic English skills!) and a vague-to-nonexistent understanding of the material he's lecturing on. 

He also has a penchant for the unconventional techniques, including spiritual wellness, chakra balancing, and other "special" skills (please read "special" as scientifically-unsupported-most-probably-nonexistant-unregulated-bullshit-woo). Upon a conversation regarding what fed our "spirit", a conversation I attempted to abstain from, that I learned that not only will absences destroy your spirit, but that in order to be a good massage therapist, one must be spiritually whole. Well, you can imagine, after I explained that the word spirit meant nothing to me, the class atmosphere got awkward quickly.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to judge these very strange and naive people. Many of them lack substantial life experience, and more lack a solid educational foundation. Perhaps their very sudden decision to ostracize me for what they see as cynicism, is actually a fear of what they don't understand and are unwilling to question as of yet. I know that completing this program will challenge me, not academically or intellectually, but a challenge of the mind overcoming the mindsets those who don't understand, and those who are willing to blindly believe. God help me.

The Last Semester

It's done. After an eight year trek, I have completed my final semester in College, and have graduated. THANK HIS NOODLEY APPENDAGE!!! And, His noodle, it has been a rough semester. with two awful teachers (who really shouldn't even be called teachers, because they DID NOT TEACH) it was a rough one.

Here are some excerpts from my notes. 

Week 7:

"Illusions of motion – la la la, la la la, ELMO’S WORLD! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGEBOB PROFESSOR PANTS? Dksdkldfsalkdasklsdakl;dsakdfalk;jdsalk;sdlksdalkj;sdd SAVE ME…more stuff that doesn’t matter!"

Week 9:

"Continuity – sounds that follows one another (tune) come from same place (I think Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty was somehow involved here.)"

"Those with comprehensive lesions could do neither - and doom happens! DOOM I TELL YOU!" 

"Lots of olives getting turned on"

Week 11: 

"Exam results – blah, blah, blah we fucked up the test…AGAIN! Something, something, something…he’s still talking…going over shit we missed on the exam…I stopped caring before he started…Mean score – 28.3, range from 12 – 47, distribution according to the curve: A – 36-47, A- - 35, B+ 32 -34, etc…Psycho-Physics…as in I’m going to go PSYCHO on his Physical being?

IN THE BEGINNING: The universe is 13.7 Billion years old…which has something to do with taste…our solar system is about 4.3 billion years old…the earth did spring cleaning…Pluto got the boot (poor Pluto)…because he wasn’t a squid? Or cuz he didn’t have enough mass, and stuff…Earth did that (take that Pluto!)…then the molecules of life got together – some mood music came on… and BAM molecular bidniz and life happens (in single cell organisms, at first anyway). One little bacteria came to be, though it was lonely and tiny (and was named cyanobacteria, which is a stupid name). And Jebus taught him (OR HER!) how to photosynthesize (which is like tasting for plants?) 6CO2 (carbon dioxide) + 6H2O (water) à C6H12O6 (sugar) + 6O2 (oxygen)…something something something….someone named cambria (Cambrian explody) and between 530 – 490 million years ago our modern phyla came into existence (AMEN!). With larger and more complex organisms more complex specialty systems could evolve (unless Jebus did it instead, WHICH HE DID! OBVIOUSLY!!)"

"When a momma koala loves a poppa koala, they make a koala fetus - after this they eat her anus droppings and develop tolerance to poop - then eat their parent's skin so they get internally poisonous" 

"Proteins DEFINE YOU!!! (Identity disorder here). Nom on some noms (protein noms) and break the proteins down into individual amino acids. Once broken down, string together to make pizza a human."

"Fun in class activity, giving us random impregnated strips, could be LSD, could be ruffies, could be anything, but hey, lets taste something random on a strip of paper that creepy professor man gives us!!!"

"Findings in studies: I've lost interest. Something about rats, and licking things. Still unknown how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop."

"YES (at this point in the lecture, I’ve already had 2 mild strokes, been in a coma, and attempted suicide…)"

Week 12:

"Summary: something something something…he doesn’t have time to finish our last lecture because he’s fucking special and shit. He thinks I’ll remember stuff from last week which is laughable…something about monkeys who want something then don’t want it anymore….The conclusion is the better it tastes the better it is, so taco bell = nutrition. Something about protein and fat being and kids…nature doesn’t want him around anymore (neither do we for that matter)…and that should take care of any questions we have about last week. HURRAY! (whaaaaaa?)"

"mmm cancer, it's what's for dinner"

 "Something about these being around the hot guys, but there are more of these guys, cuz the warm guys are "in""

"Deep aching pain and inflammation (prostaglandins) – drug industry tends to focus on this – something about semen helping here…and prostates…I’m unsure about how this is all connected because I keep blacking out….prostaglandins inhibit him going back a step to something else that I’m not paying attention to either…oh, they block glycene from killing pain. Brain says I hurt – it’s like he’s reading my mind."

"Now I can know where my body parts are. THANK GOD! Cuz remember that one time I lost my elbow? Sooo awkward....."

"Insert random shit that is not on here, so will obviously be on the exam…LD, LP, VA, VL, VP, VI, VPM, VPL…makes perfect sense….Wilder Penfield (is Canadian)…theres a story that I’m sure we ought give a shit about, he removed sections of brains…sadly he went bald. Did experiments on epileptics. I believe this is a VERY round-about way of the homunculus…VERY VERY round-about"

Week 13:

"Summary of last week: we wasted over an hour of class time doing absolutely nothing. He’s going to arrange review sessions (allow me to show my excitement ___, that is all). He’s drawing something that I assume is meant to be helpful…looks like butt cheeks…apparently it is a cross section of the spinal column…he’s coloring now…which is SUPER fascinating…something is old and messy…he pants, shirt, and hair come to mind…something something….and we’re already wasting class time, hurray. Traffic, spinal columns, laying on top of things, being coherent...bad signs…"