I'm coming out...as an Atheist.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

- Epicurus [341–270 B.C.]

This is a long time coming, I've been questioning faith and religion since I was 13, and lost my faith in "God" that same summer (ironically, while attending a Christian summer camp). I generally classify myself as a soft atheist, or agnostic atheist [read: fence-sitter], meaning if I saw proof, I'd be willing to change my mind, but, the proof has to be there, and until that proof is there, I don't know if there is anything up there, and as of yet, only have evidence to the contrary (and a TON of very confusing messages in a very interesting religious text). 

Though this has been a part of my life for over a decade now, I tend to keep it fairly quiet; people tend to try to save, or perhaps worse, argue their case against Atheists. But allow me to say, the Atheists I know are some of the most studious when it comes to religion, they know your religious text better than you probably do, because it's only with intense study can one really decide that these texts are too contradictory, too confusing, and not to mention the whole new testament: written 100+ years after the big JC sacrificed himself [to himself for things he knew we were going to do anyway?]...and they've been heavily edited and translated multiple times (has anyone ever played the game telephone?), not to mention there are books that we'll never see in full, books of that big ol' religious text that have kept hidden in the catacombs of the Vatican - they've chosen the books you get to read. 

But that's not the story here, the story is: I'm comfortable with being an Atheist, I've done my research, and as of now, firmly believe that humans have created God as a means to deal with their own mortality, their own morality, and their uncertainty. And, it's just not for me. I could go on, and there will probably be other Atheist related posts, but for now, this is it. I've come out, a proud Atheist.

F*cking Perfect

"Don't let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become"

- Louis Mandylor.

I can see my future rapidly approaching: it's daunting. Now, the daunting nature of my impending life is not due to the future itself, no, the future is glowing with the warmth and excitement of the unknown, of the unplanned. My fear is deeply rooted in my past and present.

For years I have known that the majority of my decisions are not made for my own benefit. They are made to benefit a number of people in my life. My entire reasoning for life is to appease these people. And everyday I wake up with the firm knowledge that I have failed, and will continue to fail. I will disappoint those people damn-near daily, for the rest of my life. Because that is life. That is my life. 

That can't be my life. Can it? I mean seriously?  

I keep telling myself, I will live my life for me. But every time one of those specific people talk to me, I am suddenly reminded of whom I am actually living for. All I want is to please these people, and I can't. It's impossible. I am constantly striving for perfection: I must be fit, I must be motivated, I must be gregarious, I must be happy, I must be achieved, I must be successful, I must be perfect...I can't help but feel like if I keep striving for that perfection, if I can achieve some version of perfection then no one can ask anything else of me, but I know that's faulty logic. Perfection doesn't exist, and the people I aim to please will never be pleased, and anything achieved will be expected to be surpassed. 

The only thing I can do, is desperately attempt to let go of my need to please, admit defeat, and embrace the inevitable disappointments I will create. Because, at the end of the day, you can either love the imperfect version of me, or constantly be disappointed in the exhausted version of me that's trying to perform the impossible.