Last night someone asked me, "What do you want?". I was INSTANTLY floored! What do I want?? What a novel fucking concept!
Then it hit me...I very rarely consider what I want, I mean, sometimes it'll occur to me that I want something, but then fifteen people that I care about pop into my head and suddenly my singular want becomes void. Does it matter what I want if it'll make someone disappointed, distrustful, disgusted, sad, hurt, afraid? Can I sit here, and honestly say, that my desires are more important than their happiness? ....Well...sometimes it's a draw, but normally? My desires don't outweigh their personal happiness.
However, sometimes I dream. It's a magical place, where I can do and say and feel what I want, when I want, how I want. I'm never in fear of someone else's interpretations of my actions, their feelings regarding my choices. I can be whomever I choose to be. It's pure freedom. In the real world however, I've made a list of things I want/don't want. ROLL THAT SWEET BEAN FOOTAGE!
- I don't want to go to grad school
- I want to get married (preferably before I'm sterile, old, or too jaded to give a shit)
- I don't want to pay bills any more
- I want to travel
- I want security
- I want to own my own house
- I'd really love to hit the lotto
- I don't give a damn about making the "right" decisions, I give a damn about keeping you happy and off my back
- I'd love to have a little herd of hellion children
- My Degree? Couldn't care less about it. It's a means to an end...I'd rather be doing FX makeup.
So, some might ask, why not just do what you want? And, my dear readers, the answer is simple: because I'm not stupid. No, I don't want to go to grad school, but if I don't go, I lose all security, and a HUGE chunk of (possible) salary, which, in effect makes it so travel is less likely, owning a home is less likely (especially in this lovely and expensive state), affording to have kids etc. I do, what I do for a reason. It keeps things running smoothly...well...mostly. So, unless that lotto win is in my future, I'll keep doing what I do.
But I don't always have to like it!
